Sunday 7/5/09 - "I'M ANSWERING - DAY 5"

"I'M ANSWERING - DAY 5"

"REMEMBERING
JULY 4TH, 5TH, AND 6TH -
24 YEARS AGO "

My last story of this series describes the miracle of a second chance at life I was given when God intervened in the tortured life of an alcoholic and presented me the possibility of a positive and productive one.

I drank alcoholically for about three years and in that time I descended the escalator down into the depths of hell only a real alcoholic can understand. I was unable to halt the descent in any way. My life was totally unmanageable. I was unable to be the mother I needed to be, unable to hold a job, and lost interest in most of the things people enjoy in life. My life was a constant merry-go-round of drinking, recovering from drinking, thinking about never doing it again, thinking about doing it again, drinking again, recovering from.....over and over and over.

I did not really know what was wrong with me, but I sought help for my undefined misery through counseling, church, prayer groups at church, altar calls, doctors - all to no avail. I continued to drink and life got worse.

Finally, I found Alcoholics Anonymous and a sponsor, but the first six months were characterized by being able to put a few days together then I would drink. Then a few weeks here, a few there, maybe a month, but I always ended up taking a drink. I was trying the best I could, but some ingredient was missing. It turned out what was missing was total surrender. This slipping in and out of AA was total hell.

4th of July, 1985

This brings me to the 4th of July 24 years ago. I had put together just short of three months, but I still had the "yeah, buts" - yeah, but my husband this, and yeah, but my children that, and yeah, but the other thing.

That was why I was unable to say "no" to being in a slippery place with slippery people on the 4th of July. I had no business boating out to an island with my husband, kids, and another family. the adults were drinking, the children weren't, and me so proud that I didn't drink all day. But the fireworks came and went, the boat wouldn't start, the men were on the boat trying to get it started, the kids fell asleep on the beach, and I was sitting in the dark on a cooler of beer.

What happened next remains indelibly etched forever in my mind thank God. With no thought whatsoever, I stood up in the dark, opened the cooler lid, took out a beer, and began to drink it. I was totally defenseless against that first drink. I remember exactly what happened in my mind as I drank it. My mind said, "this is O.K. No problem. Go ahead." I did go ahead and I had set in motion that terrible obsession and compulsion to drink over which I am totally powerless. I drank till I fell into bed that night.

July 5th, 1985

I woke up hungover and knowing I had two choices - go to an AA meeting or go to the liquor store for what I really liked to drink - Vodka. The vicious allergy was in full bloom so liquor won. I drank all day, became totally drunk, and took my last drink of alcohol that day just before passing out.

July 6th, 1985

This day marks the moment of my miracle when I awoke as sick as I have ever been, but I woke up a completely different person than the one who passed out the night before. Despite the hopelessness of my situation, for some reason unknown to me, I had a tiny spark of hope. I don't know why. I don't know how other than God being the answer. I totally surrendered at that moment and looking back I know that I gave up and handed the mess of my life to God. I also realized in that moment of awaking that I was totally powerless over alcohol, alcohol was going to kill me if I drank again, knew I had no idea on my own how to stay sober, understood that it was the first drink that got me drunk, finally got what one-day-at-a-time meant, and I knew where to go for help. I dragged myself to a meeting. I made a vow to myself that I would not leave that meeting till I knew what to do that day. And that is exactly what I did. I have been living my life this same way - seeking God's guidance - everyday since then.

Thank you for sticking with me through this long story. What happened was a miracle and a blessing and I know you all have your own miracle stories. I pray my story will remind you of yours.

Prayer Girl