Thursday 9/2/10 - "BUSY ME"

"BUSY ME"

It's 9:15 pm and I am tired. There was no afternoon siesta or opportunity to just rest. My day began with a phone call from a sponsee early after which I took the dog for a walk before it got too hot. He adores his walks and I have come to enjoy them too. They are good exercise, good meditation and prayer time and great companionship with puppy.

Next came a series of cleaning tasks around the house. I vacuumed carpets and the back porch as well as dry mopped several areas of the house. I swept the front walkway and driveway. I tried to get the outdoor tasks done also before it got too hot.

I had conversations with about seven sponsees during the day. I went to a noon AA women's meeting and afterward asked a lady who has been sober well over 30 years for her phone number asking if I could call her later. I did call her and it was good to have a conversation with another long time sober woman.

I also made two trips to the library, first to check out some DVDs and then realized I had a book due. I went back home to get it and returned to the library.

When I got home it was time to get ready to go back out to dinner with two long time girlfriends. We used to go out to eat weekly when our children were young and growing up and for years after, but recently we have been going out only a couple times a month. But despite all the years and changes, we still enjoy each others company.

Upon returning home, puppy and I took another walk and now I'm crashing.

I should sleep really well tonight. Good-night all.

Prayer Girl

Photo credit: Busy by wiglenog@deviantart.com

Monday 8/23/10 - "DOES HOPE FLOAT?"

"DOES HOPE FLOAT?"

Today I tried to do my small part to help float hope for others. I attended my morning home group Al-Anon meeting and listened intently. It was a wonderful meeting where the topic was powerlessness and the first three steps. I received much and I shared in the hope that it might help someone else.

I had long conversations with four of my sponsees. By four o'clock I was exhausted and laid down for a short rest. This evening two other women and I braved rain that had been falling most of the afternoon and evening to take a meeting into a local treatment center. We were informed of an incorrect start time and ended up arriving half an hour late. However they got the patients together quickly and we had an old fashioned Alcoholics Anonymous speaker meeting - a somewhat shorter, but in my opinion, very powerful meeting. I hope "hope" was brought into that place.

I'm home again safe and sound and dry. It has been a very long day. It has been a fulfilling day. Tomorrow morning it is hospital time again and I will be asking God to guide me in my efforts to bring some hope into the lives of patients there.

Good-night and God bless,

Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: Hope Floats by Nyctophobia@deviantart.com)

Thursday 7/29/10 - "THE GRACE OF GOD"

"THE GRACE OF GOD"

Yesterday the women's meeting topic was "The Grace of God". The chairperson picked this topic from a list of suggested meeting discussion subjects. The meeting was a blessing to everyone.

My first thought was, "God's Grace has allowed me to survive myself and continues to help me survive myself. My problems are centered in my mind and the root of most, if not all, of my problems is my thinking. Through God's Grace I am able to change my thinking.

It is through God's Grace that when I woke from my last drunk I was given the gift of sobriety AND I was able to reach out (feebly as it was) and grab hold of it. It has been through God's grace that I have NEVER let go.

It is through God's Grace that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous was given to Bill Wilson, has survived through the years and was there for the taking when I was ready to surrender. The twelve steps have made the impossible - possible. I have finally found a way to change my thinking and attitudes and "get over myself".

Some other things I heard at this meeting were:
I was reminded that God either "is or isn't". God is "all or nothing". When I forget I just remember my history, my experiences and then the choice is clear - GOD IS AND GOD IS ALL.

God gives me the courage to "Let Go".

Even the experiences that I consider "bad" can be turned to the good and benefit my spiritual growth. It is wise to give thanks for the good and the bad.

In AA I have learned to feel, deal, heal and move on.

The pain is in my resistance and grace is found in the "letting go".

God gives me the courage to "let go".

Love you all,
Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: deserted island by bigcbigc@deviantart.com)

Monday 5/31/10 - "THE DEPTH OF SIMPLICITY"

"THE DEPTH OF SIMPLICITY"

"...when I can Keep It Simple I'm walking with the guidance of my Higher Power."
(From "Having Had a Spiritual Awakening", p. 37, Alanon Family Groups)

I have spent a lifetime analyzing, reanalyzing, figuring things out, studying a question from all it's angles, trying to explain, complicating, attempting deeper understandings, and until I found Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon I was unable to find any real clarity about anything.

The older I get with the corresponding length of time in recovery the more I cherish and find most of my answers in the most simple practices.

I used to spend a fair amount of time thinking about how to pray, looking for the perfect formula for prayer only to discover that the most effective prayers I say are the simplest ones. My favorite is "God help me".

I also spent a lot of time looking for the perfect formula for meditation. Today I know that if I can get out of myself, get the focus out of my own mind, I can move into meditation. This can happen while sitting on the porch concentrating on the breeze that moves the air or hearing the repetition of a lovely tune or sitting quietly in church.

I spent a lifetime looking and searching for God in books, in churches, everywhere only to discover that God was always right with me. I have found God in the beauty of a flower, the endless expanse of sky and sea, the wiggling nose of a bunny, the beauty of a hymn, the smile that lights up a face, the happiness expressed by another, and the love I feel deep inside me.

I looked a lifetime for a deeper understanding of life and searched for the deeper meanings of life only to discover that the depth of life is to be found in a simple loving, healing touch and the simple words, "I love you".

Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: Delight by Ellen Hodges-Kodak picture of the day)

Thursday 5/13/10 - "SHEPHERD ME, O GOD"

SHEPHERD ME, O GOD

Shepherd me, O God,
beyond my wants,
beyond my fears,
from death into life.

listen here:

Life can take us into waters that seem sure to drown us. Sometimes life's challenges seem like a fire that will surely burn us to ashes. We feel weak, fearful, unsure, lost, abandoned. Those of us who have walked through these dark places to the other side are called to be a beckoning beacon of light for those finding themselves on a frightening journey.

My alcoholism brought me to a place of despair and hopelessness. Many of the blogs I read are written by people who have also experienced days and nights of darkness - alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse. This may sound melodramatic, but for those of us who have been there, it is no exaggeration. We were trapped in situations that no matter what we thought, did, or said, we were unable to escape.

God is the source of my hope and the power that brought me slowly and gently out of the pit of Hell and into light and health. As He led me I was often unaware at the time of his gentle guidance, but in the retrospect of many years I can now see some of the ways He was there. I have learned that most of the time I do not know what is best for me, but God always knows what is best. The moment I surrendered my illusion of power over alcohol or much of anything else, realized how desperately I needed help, and handed the entirety of my life over to a power greater than myself, He was able to do for me what I was unable to do for myself.

God is my great and gentle "Shepherd". He led me to Alcoholics Anonymous where I found sobriety. He has led me into deeper and deeper levels of sobriety and given me the grace to be able to share some of what He has given me with others. I share my faith and trust as I share my experience, strength, and hope. I know many who are struggling - sponsees, friends, bloggers. I write this blog for them. There is hope. It is possible to navigate the deep waters without drowning and to emerge from the flames unscathed. I hope this blog will bring a measure of comfort.

Recently I have had trouble sitting down and writing a blog. A dear sponsee, L, told me this morning she looks often for my next blog to lift her spirit. I got motivated.

L finds herself in a most difficult time and being led to take steps that will be some of the most painful of her life. I love her and this blog is for her and the many others in deeply troubling circumstances. God is shepherding her, shepherding all of us out of the darkness and into the radiance of the light if we ask Him.

God bless L and all of my blogger friends.

Prayer Girl

(Photo credits: On the Waters of Bleached Rock by pastseeker@deviantart.com)

Tuesday 4/27/10 - "EXPLANATION!"

"EXPLANATION!"

I have not blogged since Sunday because I have been so very busy and most of it has been working with my sponsees and some new Al-Anon women reaching out for help by phone and in meetings.

I described my Sunday in my 160 as completely as I could in those few characters. There was much more. Among other things, I tried my luck at planting a tomato plant in a Topsy Turvy that daughter gave me for Christmas. I have a brown thumb, but I'm working on turning it green. I didn't hit the pillow till 11:00 after I had seen the movie, "When Love Is Not Enough - The Lois Wilson Story". I am glad I stayed up to watch it. It was powerful. Thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon.

Monday was just as busy with many sponsee conversations - some women in crisis, others putting the program to use in challenging situations, and women methodically working through the steps to change their lives. Monday began with a downpour just at the time I got up and was getting ready to go to the hospital. Dog would not go out in the rain to do his business after a long night asleep. Finally I was out in the rain with my umbrella, dog on a leash, and he was trying to get at a cat in the driveway. I walked him under a tree as if we were taking our daily walk and getting wet just standing there. Eventually he lifted his leg on a palm tree like he does when we take a real walk and we could get back inside out of the rain.

After volunteering I met with my sponsor at a coffee shop in the brand new Hazelden treatment facility that has opened here in downtown Naples. We spent about two hours together and it was a blessing. I received a call from a girl who is doing 90 meetings in 90 days in Al-Anon. She is depressed and having a lot of trouble coping with life. She's looking for a solution. She approached me after the Sunday Al-Anon meeting and I told her the steps are the way out of self-defeating thinking and behavior patterns and the path to change. I also told her there was no greater gift she could give herself than to work those 12 steps. She called me Monday night and asked if I would take her through the steps. God has blessed me so much by allowing me to take many women through the steps. It is an opportunity to live a miracle over and over. We will meet Friday night to discuss it. I did warn her that I have many sponsees and might not be as available to her as someone else might be. I also told her that I am hard pressed to say "no" when someone asks me to help them and are serious about it. I believe these are God-inspired happenings.

When daughter got home from work Monday we were off to Petco and Target to do some doggie shopping at the first store and baby shower gift shopping at the second. I was shopping for a girl I sponsored years ago in AA. She lived in a city just north of Naples when I first met her at a Naples meeting. Her story is she got sober, drank, got sober, drank again. But the day came when she surrendered, got a sponsor where she was living, and got sober for good. She is a completely different person than the woman I first met. She is happy, a positive thinker, fulfilling her dreams. She got married about a year ago and it is a shower for her first baby I will attend Saturday. Miracles abound all around me.

Today, I chaired an Al-Anon meeting and then sat and prayed with an Al-Anon friend who has reached out to me for support and prayers in a most difficult time. I was happy to give her some of myself. After being with her I went back to the gym after three weeks of staying away. When I had a cold three weeks ago I didn't go. Once I was away for a week it was very hard to get myself back. I am relieved I went. I came home then and took a two hour nap and I feel wonderful. I'll be watching American Idol tonight.

Life is good.

Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: Water Tulip by Georgeanne Mcliveene - Kodak picture of the day)

Monday 4/19/10 - "DISCOVERY"

"DISCOVERY"

I'm thinking about what happens on our journey of recovery and the exploration of deeper and deeper levels of ourselves. We discover truths that have been buried most of our lives. There are reasons we have kept them covered up.

My hidden defects were the seeds of my mental, emotional and spiritual illness - the escalation of my alcoholism and my co-dependence. These hidden truths were so grotesque to me that I could not afford to acknowledge them. The more I resisted them, the bigger they grew. I was creating mountains out of molehills and those mountains were crushing me.

In childhood I developed a sense of not being good enough, of being not just imperfect, but worthless. I acquired an internal measuring stick that was always present and caused me to be ever comparing myself to others and forever coming up on the losing end of the measurement. How did this happen? My mother raised her children in what she thought from her own experience was the best way. She was critical, judgmental, and compared us to others frequently. I believe she thought it was constructive criticism, judgments, and comparisons that would show us the way to a good life. It didn't work out that way. It produced low self-esteem and even self-hatred at times.

The twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon allowed me to begin the discovery process that has set me free from the damage of my past. Many of my sponsees are frustrated by the fact that after completing the twelve steps and finding some peace and serenity, they find themselves back at that place again of seeing a defect in themselves that they abhor.

I have heard in the rooms of AA and Al-Anon that the pain is in the resistance. The more I resist new knowledge about myself, the longer it takes to move to a better place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and the more painful the process is. Just because we find ourselves at a place we label as 'back there again', it is not really that same place. We have just reached a deeper level of awareness that provides the opportunity for further spiritual growth.

What to do when we find ourselves very aware of yet another character flaw?
Be willing to acknowledge, accept, and take action to correct it.
Take care of ourselves.
Be gentle with ourselves.
Hush the self-critical and self-judging voice.
Ask God to reveal character defects and humbly ask Him to remove them.

Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: Revelation by Masterwks@deviantart.com)

Thursday 4/1/10 - "APRIL ARRIVES

"APRIL ARRIVES"

A glorious day welcomes the first day of April. It is sunny, low humidity, high will be 80. It is beautiful.

No new eggs yet in our little nesting area out by the front door. When we cleaned out the old nest after mom and ducklings left all the rocks in the bed were spread out evenly. Within ten days I found a new indentation in the nesting area. Will a third mama duck begin laying soon? Could be!

Anyone ever hear of a Sweet Tomato restaurant? There are salad, soup, dessert, pasta, and bread bars and lots of choices from each. For many years if we wanted to eat there we had to drive up to Ft. Myers. No longer. They opened one last week here in Naples. My three longtime girlfriends, daughter, and I went there last night. It was packed, but they helped us find seating and what a fabulous meal we had. The salads were fresh and exotic as well as the standard salad fixings. The soups were fresh, hot, and totally yummy. There was a penne pasta with lemon butter sauce and capers that was out of this world. I overate and enjoyed every bite. Today I will eat a little less. :)

Yesterday was my noon women's Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and as always it was a highlight of my week. I admit that I have many highlighted days each week. Monday is volunteering at the hospital that brings so many blessings. Tuesday is an Al-Anon meeting based on the book, "Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses". Wednesday is the women's AA meeting. Friday is an Al-Anon meditation meeting. Saturday is another AA women's group that uses "Each Day a New Beginning" for discussions and Sunday is my Al-Anon home group that uses "Hope for Today" as the reader.

Easter is approaching fast. This time of year brings back the many memories I have of RCIA (the Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) and my confirmation into the Catholic church at the Easter Vigil service the Saturday night before Easter two years ago. It was a spiritual landmark in my life. I reflect now on the circumstances that led me to join the church. I remember the miracle and wonder of receiving the gift of a healing touch the year before I made the decision to become Catholic. The two stories are intricately entwined. I pray God will continue to bless others through me as He wills.

Yesterday while walking dog Lucky on his retractable leash he suddenly came upon a cat who leaped out of the bushes and dashed across the street. Dog immediately followed suit and in a split second as I watched the leash play out I saw a car coming down the street. Dog is big. I could only jerk back on the leash, fall backward into a sitting position on the grass to halt him, and wrench my upper arm in the process. I managed to prevent dog from entering the street and many ibuprofen later, iced arm, and soothing balm applied, the arm feels better. All will be fine.

Today is a free day. No plans other than a Thursday night church liturgy. I will go or stay as the spirit leads this beautiful day.

Have a glorious day.

Prayer Girl
(Photo credit: Waddle by Lisa Boulden - a Kodak Picture of the Day)

Tuesday 3/30/10 - "LIVING THE MANY SHADES OF GRAY"

"LIVING THE MANY SHADES OF GRAY"

I used to live life in black and white. I remember the first television my family ever owned. I was about four when it arrived in our house and it's picture was in black and white. It was fascination at first sight and I loved it. Life was played out in black and white on that set and in the same way my thinking developed in those two stark contrasting colors.

One of the ways I coped with a chaotic mind and erratic emotions was to quickly classify unpleasant or disruptive thoughts and feelings into categories of black or white. If I could pigeonhole them then I did not have to think about or experience them anymore. Things were either good or bad, evil or holy, all or nothing, smart or dumb, wise or foolish, pretty or ugly, perfect or worthless, etc. etc. I had no idea this method of coping was destructive.

Living in this world devoid of shades and colors of thought and emotion was crippling. I engaged in many types of behaviors that I did not recognize as self-destructive. I lived in a world of escape.The final blow to my denial was my deadly confrontation with alcoholism. That got my attention. It brought me to my knees and I surrendered.

Recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon has shown me a different way to live, think, and feel. I have discovered the many shades of gray that exist between black and white. However I retain one black and white item. I am an alcoholic, alcohol is poison to me, I don't drink, no gray.

Otherwise life today is full of an infinite variety of shades of gray. In meetings I hear, "There is a little bit of good in the worst of us and a little bit of bad in the best of us." I understand this today.

Life is full and rich. Life is good.

Prayer Girl
(Photo credit: tears of a rainbow 2 by tristefleur@deviantart.com)

Tuesday 3/23/10 - "HANDS OFF"

"HANDS OFF"

"How often we hear it said at meetings that the alcoholic is a past master in the art of conniving and manipulating us to get his own way.........do we realize that we ourselves have often been guilty of the same fault? Haven't we tried all sorts of tricks to outwit him - to make him stop drinking, to make him join AA, to make him go to more meetings, or go to fewer meetings? Am I being perfectly honest and fair when I meddle and manipulate our situation?......am I still trying to be the boss?"

"Al-Anon principles set a pattern before me: to work on myself and to stop interfering with others. The words for this procedure are "hands off!""
From "One Day at a Time", March 23, p. 83.

I have to love this same message that comes wrapped in so many different ways.

Here comes another dose of REPETITION:

There are two kinds of business - my business and none of my business.

If I have an imaginary hula hoop around me, everything inside that hula hoop is my business and everything outside of it is none of my business

AND - now there is "HANDS OFF"

Even an obsessive mind that has been tamed by many years of healthier thinking in Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon can still revert to the old pattern of shifting my focus from myself to someone else. Are the alcoholics in my life going to too many meetings or too few? Is that any of my affair? Absolutely not. I need to keep my attention on my own life, my own number of meetings, my own spiritual condition, my own growth.

I can't remember my family ever telling me I was overly or under involved in AA. When I came home from treatment my husband finally left that alone and my parents knew very little about alcoholism and didn't live where I did so they had no opinion. For better or worse, even my sponsor did not monitor the number of meetings I attended.

I have sponsored a lot of women and many have been in relationships where their spouses weren't real happy about the pattern of partying being interrupted. They would often say, "You're going to too many meetings." Then there are families full of fear constantly suggesting the alcoholic is not going to enough meetings. To me these behaviors are all understandable. People act out of fear and don't like change. However, these reactions can be very destructive.

This is why I love Al-Anon so much. I love the freedom I have to explore my own journey with God while I allow others the same right to choose how they will walk their journey. God has had a way of correcting me when I strayed too near the edge of the right path. The best I can do for other family members and friends is allow them the same courtesy. God is in charge, not me. I can always pray for them.

At this moment I am in the right place in my mind and grateful for it. Today I am in "HANDS OFF" mode. :)

Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: Hands Off by allison712@deviantart.com)

Monday 3/22/10 - "THIS DAY"

"THIS DAY"

This day I choose to remember:

Where I came from. I was a hopeless drunk on her way to death sooner rather than later. Alcohol had snared me up into it's deadly trap.

The miracle of sobriety. God reached out with his miracle healing love and offered me the precious gift of sobriety. I reached out and grabbed hold of that gift.

Life is not always as I would choose it to be, but I can choose the attitudes I will hold as I walk through each day one-day-at-a-time.

God will never desert me. God will never give me more than I can handle WITH HIS HELP. There may be times when I doubt the truth of this statement, but if I will look back at my experience, strength, and hope I will know it is, in fact, true.

God holds closely those I love. They have a Higher Power and that power loves them with the force and energy of creation.

If one-day-at-a-time seems too long a time to handle, I can live life one hour-at-a-time or even one-minute-at-a-time.

I am powerless over other people, places, and things. I am powerless over their choices and behaviors. Rather than allow that to drive me crazy I can decide to turn them over to God with a trusting heart.

It is my responsibility to deal with my resentments. I can choose to allow them to take root in the soil of my soul and cut off the sunlight from the spirit or I can get to work with the tools of my Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon programs such as sharing with another recovering person how I am feeling and what I am thinking, forgiving the other person, praying for them, and asking God for help.

God will be with me as I visit patients in the hospital.

God will give me the strength for today even though I slept very little last night.

Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: Beauty and Death Unmasked by incoldmirrors)

Monday 3/15/10 - "MY CUP"

"MY CUP"

99.9999% of everything I say or write I have heard from someone else; either in a meeting, in a social setting, or read somewhere. Nothing is uniquely my own idea.

However when I wrote about boundaries with soft edges, I had never heard that before. As far as I know it belongs in that .0001% category. If it has been said before I haven't heard it.

Today in my home group Al-Anon meeting as I was listening to the lead and to members sharing another thought entered my mind that I have never heard before. We were discussing the reading of March 12th, p. 72 in "Hope for Today". The sentence that caught my attention was "...a negative attitude invites self-pity and discontent."

Until I found recovery I lived in negativity and self-pity that nearly drowned me. I swam in a tumultuous sea of depression. I am an alcoholic and I qualify for membership in Al-Anon having grown up with an alcoholic brother and then being married to an active alcoholic for nearly 20 years.

The thought that I had and shared in the meeting was this:

The alcoholic says, "Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink."
The Al-Anoner says, "Poor me, poor me, pour me a cup of self-pity."

Thank God I don't have to live that way anymore. Either cup full whether of alcohol or self-pity holds the power to kill me. Today I know how to use the power of prayer and all the other tools of the programs to move out of negative thinking and the resulting self-pity. I no longer have to pour a drink or a cup of self-pity.

Thank you God.

Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: My Cup of Phantomhive by Taymeho@deviantart.com)

Sunday 3/14/10 - "GIVING THANKS"

"GIVING THANKS"

I have so much to be thankful for.

I have learned how to move through difficult times knowing they will pass. When I am upset I can turn to my sponsor, friends, and tools of the program to guide me through and back to happiness. Everything passes. I no longer feel hopeless. I have learned I 'always' have choices. I have found freedom.

I am filled with joy that after 3 years I am still blessed with the spiritual gift of a healing touch. It is one of the most precious gifts I have ever received with the exception of my birth and my sobriety.

I am thankful that on Wednesday after a women's Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, I was in the ladies room when a girl I know casually was there and was talking about the deep pain she was feeling on her leg. She had an accident when her dog's metal chain leash got wrapped around her lower leg and cut into it. I am grateful that I was aware of that still small voice within that told me to ask her to let me see it which she did. I had the courage to step out in faith and ask her if I could place my hand on it. She agreed and I did. Now it is Saturday and I saw her at another women's AA meeting. She told me her leg is still healing, but the pain has been gone since I touched her. I cannot describe the love that this fills me with. I gave the credit to God and accepted that my part was the willingness to be a channel of God's healing power. Life is good.

I am grateful that today I am glad that I was born and I treasure my life. I spent many years wishing I had never been born or wishing it was over. Those days are gone forever as long as I continue to work the Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon programs God has given me to restore me to sanity and a life of value.

I am happy that daughter is in classes all weekend learning about insurance and she is enthusiastic about what she is learning and seems genuinely happy.

I look forward to my son being in town for a very brief visit this weekend and we will have lunch with him on Monday. I will be happy to see him.

Once a year around St. Patrick's Day Cracker Barrel has a wonderful corned beef and cabbage meal. We have dined on it more than once and always love it. Steve and I will do so tomorrow and I can't wait. It will be delicious.

I give thanks for the cool breezes that have been blowing frequently in this part of my world. I feel the spirit in the wind.

I delight in the daily walks daughter's dog and I take. Last night we looked up more information on Rhodesian Ridgebacks. (Lucky is a Ridgeback and German Shepard mix.) They need exercise and an opportunity to run at full speed each day. Most days he will run in a figure 8 around our back yard so fast it takes my breath away. He loves our 20 minute walks. He is a hunting dog and has extremely keen hearing and sense of smell and he smells every square inch along our route. The information also said they are a very dominant breed so the owners need to be sure they make it clear who is in charge. We are. So we are working on reasserting who is master here. Lucky was getting into the habit of acting like he was in charge. Get the picture? :)

I could not wish for better weather. After heavy winds and rain all day yesterday today was full of brilliant sunshine with highs in the low 70s and breezy. Perfect!!!

Heard in a meeting and thankful for it:

Time repairs the clock that dragged when I first got sober.

If God brought you to it, He will see you through it.

I am so grateful for my readers, their comments, their blogs, and their obvious care and love.

Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: Spring Breeze by woodsac@deviantart.com)

Monday 3/8/10 - "SAYING TO MYSELF"

"SAYING TO MYSELF"

There are times when I share at a meeting and what I say is something I realize I need to hear. These are a few things I need to say to myself.

I am retired, but it is not too late to begin another 20 year career if I want it.

Limitation thinking stands in the way of my pursuing another career. The kinds of limiting thoughts I have include comparing myself to others and always coming up shorter, less than. My thoughts also return to a past time when I had little self-esteem and I measure how I think I would succeed today based on those past negative beliefs. I also project outcomes in the negative. I project failure. It is time to get back to doing affirmations. They work. I have tried them.

A few possible new affirmations:

• God writes the details of my life on the blank slate I offer Him.

• I am changing my attitudes and my life is changing.

I need to be a blank slate upon which I allow God to create whatever is His will for me. To do this I must keep my mind free of negative thinking - the comparison thinking and projection of outcome thinking.

I need to stop playing God, writing His script for me without Him.

I heard this prayer in the meeting today.
Dear God, please keep my brain where my feet are.
(out of the past and future)

Things heard in my home group Al-Anon meeting today.

If it is meant to be, it's up to me.
(I add, with God's power.)

Working the Al-Anon program is exercising my soul. In my case, it is working both programs, Al-Anon and Alcoholics Anonymous.

Breathe in! - Exhale out!
= God in! - Prayer Girl, self, out!

Have a wonderful week my friends.

Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: Talk about nothing by LalA vi Doll@deviantart.com)

Thursday 2/25/10 - "PRAY CANDLES WITH ME"

"PRAY CANDLES WITH ME"

"When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be?"
(From "Alcoholics Anonymous", Chapter 4, We Agnostics, p. 53)

My choice? I chose to believe that God is everything, that God "is". I have never altered that choice. The longer I believe God is everything, the more that belief is proven in my personal experiences and the greater my faith and trust grows.

I have developed a corollary belief. It is:

Either prayer works or it doesn't.

AND - I believe prayer works. The more I pray, the more I see God working situations out in my life that seem impossible and more than I can handle.

God brought me to Alcoholics Anonymous where I found sobriety. God supported and led me through a divorce that was very difficult for me and our children. God led me into a job that became a career and allowed me to grow within myself and provided for our material needs. God opened the doors to a new marriage. I watch my children grow in the love of God and firmly believe He watches over them. The constant in all these events has been the practice of prayer.

Today I continue to pray. Prayer in my life takes many forms. At church I enter the names of people I am praying for in a book that is taken up to the altar during the mass. I pray silently. I allow meditation to merge into prayer. I pray using candles.

When I pray with candles, each candle I light represents a prayer for a particular person, a group of people or specific situations. I pray as I light them. I reflect on the prayer in the flickering lights and I send the prayers to God in the smoke as I snuff each one out. I have described this before, but my revelation today was that I can also light these candles, pray, and send the prayers to God in my mind.

Just a thought - why not pray candles with me? We can do it anywhere and anytime. I have 11 candles (I have just added a 12th candle for Lou's Andrew) and I have lit them so often I remember what each one represents. What are your prayer concerns or requests? How many candles will you light? See them in your mind's eye. Light them. Pray. Blow them out and watch them float to God. I pray your efforts will be blessed.

Prayer Girl
(Photo credit: candles by simply sublime@deviantart.com)

Tuesday 2/23/10 - "STANDING GUARD"

"STANDING GUARD"

Sunday morning I went out to get the paper and saw a cracked duck egg at the end of the walkway that leads up to our front door and where the duck nursery is located. Something had stolen an egg out of the nest. I went to get my camera, but when I returned one of the male ducks that keeps watch over mama had picked up the egg, was carrying it out into the grass and was eating its contents. The majority of the inside of the egg was left on the walk. I don't mean to gross anyone out, but I saw an eyeball and other parts of the embryo. It made me feel sad.

Fast forward to this morning and I noticed many male ducks on the front roof of our house and the house next door keeping watch below them. I feel sure they were standing guard that no animal try to steal another egg from the nest.

Mama duck leaves the nest several times a day to eat and drink. I have observed some other things I never saw happening the last time. Not being a duck I can only guess at what is going on and it may be completely incorrect. Mama will be setting and one of the male ducks comes up, sits on top of her, bites at her neck, and then starts flapping his wings. Mama starts squawking and finally gets up off the nest and she and the male duck walk out into the yard. My interpretation? That this is a first time mother being guided by an old timer male duck. ???

On to other topics. Daughter got a lead on a job from someone in Alcoholics Anonymous. She had an interview yesterday that went really well. Turns out this was a job with an insurance company too. A few weeks ago she interviewed with a different insurance company in Ft. Myers. That interview went well also, but she didn't get the job. This time she will have a second interview on Thursday with the manager of the office she would be working in and they will make a decision Friday. PRAY GOD'S WILL BE DONE - AGAIN - AND THANK YOU FOR PRAYING FOR HER.

I'm leaving in a few minutes for an Al-Anon meeting and will meet daughter after that for an AA meeting. I am so grateful that these programs exist, that I found them, and that working them has provided the opportunity for peace and serenity one-day-at-a-time as I live life in this crazy world.

Love to all you bloggers.

Prayer Girl
(Photo credit: Husband, Steve, shot this picture at my request. Thank you hubby!)

Sunday 2/21/10 - "JOYFUL HEART"

"JOYFUL HEART"

It is Saturday night and my heart is full of joy. The weather here in Southwest Florida has been very cold for this part of the country for weeks. It was my daughter's sponsor and my friend's wedding day with a scheduled 10 am ceremony on the beach. Every morning for the past week it has been bitter cold all day including at 10 am. Daughter and I had warm outfits picked out for the ceremony. We ended up changing those outfits in the morning.

This morning I stepped outside and the chill was gone from the air - just vanished over night. The sun and warmth had returned to the area for the wedding. Later the bride told me she had no "Plan B" for it being too cold. It was a delightful morning and an even lovelier afternoon. Both the bride and groom were Alcoholics Anonymous friends with a special bond to the recovery community. I knew many of the guests from AA.

Daughter, husband and I all attended the wedding. Hubby played the violin and it was beautiful as always. He had a job later today so he wasn't able to attend the reception. It was held outdoors at the 'country' home of an AA friend of the bride and groom. There was a very large tent so we were able to be out of the direct sun and enjoy the glorious breezes. There was a catered barbecue meal, music, dancing, lots of wonderful conversation. I sat with my daughter and a mutual friend. It was a wedding I will remember for a long time.

My heart is also joyful because I feel a lot of hope for my daughter. In my heart I feel things are about to change in a very positive way for her. She is still without a job, has been frustrated and discouraged, has had nearly no responses to all her resumes sent out, but I still believe something will come her way and soon. Her four month sobriety date will be in a few days. She is lonely. Her friends are in Tampa. Last week she made a new AA friend by giving a girl a ride home after a meeting. Today she made another friend who is also sponsored by her sponsor. It warmed a mother's heart to see her daughter happy and having fun with a new friend. They went out together tonight. :)

Daughter wrote a poem the other day. She has wanted to write poems for a long time, but has never been able to. When I came home from volunteering at the hospital on Monday she had written one. I loved it. It brought tears to my eyes. I am happy.

Today has been a lovely day. I'm staying in today. Amen.

Prayer Girl
(Photo credit: Joyful Heart by wyldkat10@deviantart.com)

During Lent please continue to pray for Karen's daughter. Here is the link to her prayer blog. Thank you. PG

Thursday 2/18/10 - "TIME IS LOST"

"TIME IS LOST"

Intriguing picture and thought. '"Time is Lost". I thought about ways to slow the loss. When I slow down from the bustling activities of the day I can reflect on how precious are the moments of my life.

God intervened in my life with the gift of sobriety. He brought me to Alcoholics Anonymous and gave me the strength to not drink one-day-at-a-time. I reached out and took that offered gift. With God's help I was able to stop the constant loss of time. I lost a lot of time in the years I drank. I lost time to fear, anxiety, blackouts and constant thoughts about the next drink.

I frequently hear about freak accidents as I make my rounds visiting hospital patients. Many of the people I visit have come in through the emergency room. One minute they were enjoying nice meals, working around their homes, sleeping soundly - and the next thing, they are in the hospital.

How can I minimize the loss of precious time?

I can "stop and smell the roses". I can slow down, stop running, and allow myself space to enjoy the beauties of life.

Time slows when I am in prayer and meditation.

Keeping my eyes on where my feet are rather than ruminating about the past or projecting into the future seems to stop the swift passage of time.

Reflecting on the many things I am grateful for allows the moments to pass more slowly.

When I stop the busy activity of my day, go over to the tray of candles daughter gave me at Christmas, light each one with a prayer, watch them flicker, snuff them out one at a time, and watch the smoke rise, time seems to stop during that ritual.

Being in nature sitting on my back porch, walking the dog or just stopping for a moment as I go about the outdoor errands of my day slows down time. I look around me at the brilliance of the sunlight, the beauty of the sky, the colors of the flowers and trees, breath in the sweet smell of the air, and feel the breezes caress me.

Listening - really listening to another has a way of changing the passage of time, slowing it down. I don't understand how this happens. I just know it does.

Sitting quietly in church, paying total attention to all that is transpiring allows me to savor each moment longer. It stretches out time.

Food for thought! How do you prevent the loss of time?

God bless and please remember to go to Karen's prayer blog during Lent to pray for her daughter. Thank you.

Prayer Girl
(Photo credit: Time is lost by azurylipfe@deviantart.com)

Thursday 2/11/10 - "INTERNET UNINTERRUPTED - AGAIN"

"INTERNET UNINTERRUPTED - AGAIN"

I left this morning early to run errands, go to a noon women's Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, and then to the gym. When I finally got back home, I walked into a home with news I did not want to hear. We had been "off line", without internet since shortly after I left. :(

It is 11:00 p.m. now and we are finally back "on line" as of just a few minutes ago. Hurray! :)

It's too late for me to write anything that makes much sense. I just wanted you to know why I hadn't been commenting today. I did get a few in before I left.

Tomorrow morning I begin my day with a visit to a sponsee and we will be working the first step in Al-Anon using "Paths to Recovery". I am setting the stage right now for this meeting tomorrow - asking God to prepare both of us and to be present as we talk.

It's supposed to be pretty cold tonight, low about 41, so I'm grateful we have our nice warm comforter on the bed. It never gets too cold here in Southwest Florida, but tonight will be one of those unusual nights. We have had more of those kind of super cold snaps this winter than I can remember having in a long time.

I admit there was a feeling of loss, of things not being quite right when I was internet-less. However, now I expect to have my internet uninterrupted once again. I am happy and grateful.

Peace and love to you all.

Prayer Girl
(Photo credit: Internet Love by Roaguewolf@deviantart.com)

Tuesday 2/9/10 - "LIFE UNPREDICTED"

"LIFE UNPREDICTED"

Probably the biggest lessons I receive from visiting patients in the hospital as a pastoral care assistant are the constant reminders that life is totally unpredictable. Unexpected happenings can come from any quarter at any time. Circumstances of such an unpredictable nature often bring people to the hospital.

I visited a man in critical care yesterday. He was totally lucid with four IV stands positioned at his right side with maybe 6 or more lines running to his chest where they were providing his body with the solutions he needed to live. When I enter a room I have no idea why the person is there unless they choose to tell me. This was his story:

I was with him a long time, almost an hour. It took that long to piece together his story. At least three nurses attended him as we talked. They gave permission for me to be there. I will call this gentleman Bud. The first two things he told me over and over were that he had no feeling at all in his arms and he could not move them. He also kept telling me he was a "terminal case". I asked if they had told him that and he said, "no", but he just knew it was so. I came to believe over the course of my time with him that what he may have been really saying was that if he could not use his arms, it might as well be terminal. (Just a guess on my part.)

Bud proceeded to tell me through the course of our visit what happened. Somehow he became trapped between the toilet tank and the wall in his home where he lives alone. His arms were pinned in an upward position. He just kept yelling for help hoping a neighbor would hear him. I don't know how long he was there, but it was a long time. Finally someone heard him and the fire department came. They had a very difficult time freeing him.

His kidneys weren't functioning either. Though he told me he was a "terminal case", when I offered to pray with him and asked what he might want me to pray for, he said the return of his health. I so understood this. The mind was thinking the worse, but the spirit was hoping for the best. We talked about feelings of powerlessness and the power of God's love.

I have seen so many situations both in this volunteer job and when I worked in nursing homes where people were clearly on their way out of this life and then suddenly they rally. The number of days of our lives are unpredictable.

Maybe I ended up staying with him so long so I could meet his daughter who arrived just before I was ready to leave. It was a blessing. I had prayed with her father alone and then she and I were able to pray with him as well. I found out from her that when her father underwent surgery one of the things that was determined was that there was no dead tissue in his arms. There is hope. Will he live? Will he die? Will he regain the use of his arms? Only God knows. I do know he is getting the best possible care available and if it is God's will, he will live and recover the use of his arms.

The message of the day was unpredictability and "powerlessness". I am reminded every Monday of the blessings of good health and I am filled with gratitude. Because the unexpected can visit at any time, I want to stay connected to God. I practice the principles of the Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon programs and continue to work the 12 steps. They keep the power I lack available.

Thank you God for my health and the beautiful lessons you give me each Monday.

Prayer Girl
(Photo credit: Rusty leaf by Valinorri@deviantart.com)