REFLECTIONS ON CHANGE, SPIRITUALITY, BELIEF, FAITH, PRAYER, AND MORE
Monday, March 29, 2010
Tuesday 3/30/10 - "LIVING THE MANY SHADES OF GRAY"
"LIVING THE MANY SHADES OF GRAY"
I used to live life in black and white. I remember the first television my family ever owned. I was about four when it arrived in our house and it's picture was in black and white. It was fascination at first sight and I loved it. Life was played out in black and white on that set and in the same way my thinking developed in those two stark contrasting colors.
One of the ways I coped with a chaotic mind and erratic emotions was to quickly classify unpleasant or disruptive thoughts and feelings into categories of black or white. If I could pigeonhole them then I did not have to think about or experience them anymore. Things were either good or bad, evil or holy, all or nothing, smart or dumb, wise or foolish, pretty or ugly, perfect or worthless, etc. etc. I had no idea this method of coping was destructive.
Living in this world devoid of shades and colors of thought and emotion was crippling. I engaged in many types of behaviors that I did not recognize as self-destructive. I lived in a world of escape.The final blow to my denial was my deadly confrontation with alcoholism. That got my attention. It brought me to my knees and I surrendered.
Recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon has shown me a different way to live, think, and feel. I have discovered the many shades of gray that exist between black and white. However I retain one black and white item. I am an alcoholic, alcohol is poison to me, I don't drink, no gray.
Otherwise life today is full of an infinite variety of shades of gray. In meetings I hear, "There is a little bit of good in the worst of us and a little bit of bad in the best of us." I understand this today.
Life is full and rich. Life is good.
Prayer Girl (Photo credit: tears of a rainbow 2 by email@example.com)
I'm sober in AA since July 5th 1985, and a grateful member of Alanon since November 2004.
I joined the "blogosphere" in September, 2008.
In December 2011 I became a grandmother for the first time and now understand why it's such a big deal. I'm wildly in love again with that little guy.