Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Thursday 11/5/09 - "FEAR WILL LEAVE US"

First - thank you Dream Dancer for this blog award.
I appreciate the award and your kind words written on your blog.
Love you much.



("Alcoholics Anonymous", p. 84 - 9th 9th step promise)

I just realized that I never finished my blog series on the 9th step promises. The last one written was the 8th promise and that was blogged on 9/13/09. Life has sidetracked me. I'm ready, at least for today, to pick up where I left off. That brings me to the 9th promise, "Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us."

In the beginning of my sobriety I was filled with fears of all kinds. Many of them were nameless, but there were plenty I could put a label on. I was unemployed and unemployable at the end of my drinking. Eventually I did get a job, but it paid barely over minimum wage. Within a year or so I was separated and then divorced. I had two children to care for and though I got the house, I also got the mortgage. My car was old and prone to breaking down. I was in constant fear that I would not be able to pay my bills. I was forever filling out pieces of paper with lines down the center. On one side would be the income figures and on the other side of the line the expenses. It was always in the red and worried and talked about it a lot. But somehow I always managed to pay the bills month after month and year after year. Over the years my income increased and God continued to meet my financial needs in His way. Through these experiences, I have lost that fear of economic insecurity. I know today that God will take care of me as long as I do my part.

The job I found was surely God-sent, but that did not prevent me from fearing the people I worked for and with. I was in fear that I would not do a good enough job, fear that I would disappoint my employer. I was even fearful of other people in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I know now that most of my fear of people stemmed from my perfectionism, people-pleasing personality, and plain old low self-esteem. I was afraid to approach people talking in groups after an AA meeting. I was sure that my presence would be intrusive. What a horrible feeling. It probably took at least a year for that to improve. I finally came to believe that people really could just like me the way I was. I know now that I came to this belief when I finally accepted and liked myself.

These changes in me came about as a result of not drinking and working the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. What a miracle it is to watch a life be transformed as the result of doing the work required by the steps. I experienced this miracle myself and am awed every time I watch these same changes in a sponsee or other newcomer.

How grateful I am to live a life without the burden of overwhelming fears. There is power in the steps - of that I am sure.

Prayer Girl
(Photo credit: against the tide by midnightskies7 at deviant


DreamDancer said...

First of all, you are very welcome and truly deserve the award :)

I love this post on fear. I see myself in it as well. I am learning to slowly, but steadily, face my fears. I want a life of freedom and by conquering these fears, I will begin experiencing joy.

Peace and Joy be with you, PG.

Shadow said...

congratulations pg, great award!

moses said...

I am so happy to read your testimony in this post.

I had fears also in the past which affected me from being a good friend raising and being effective in a community.

I was always afraid to speak in public places, in the gathering of friends, in school and places I go.

Inferiority complex and insecurity was really living within me.

But after I took a communication school with UofN(YWAM), by the help of God, I was released and free from fear.

Now, I speak in youth meetings, teach on mission trips, lead a team and many things which I couldn't do before.

Just Be Real said...

PG, appreciate this post! Fear is nasty! I do not really even listen to the news on the telly. Just the headlines. Too depressing. I believe there is so much more good news that is never broadcast that should. But we are a negative world. Don't need that.
Blessings dear one and thank you for sharing from your heart.

Marcia said...

I still live with several of those fears but it is easier to turn it over to God day after day... thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

congrats on your award

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I love these posts, the ones where I can actually recognize the experience matching the promises and just be filled with hope and love and gratitude...

clean and crazy said...

my addict loves fear. sometimes it even tries to hide behind a blanket of denial so i cannot see that what ever is wrong is fear driven.
i try to be humble and honest in hopes of not having a denial blanket. you know it is like this diet, my biggest problem was over eating but i could not see it until i wrote it down. i need to do some writing today. thanks for the great post, very insightful.

Anonymous said...

Congrats on your award, so well deserved.. HUGS. Fear is a BAD word on my lips. It has caused me so much pain, challenged me for years. I am learning to not let it control me.

TY for sharing a piece of your heart again. BLessings.. SMILES

enchantedoak said...

Those promises are powerful. Like you, I notice that they don't say these changes and freedoms happen overnight. Action and more action is the theme of the 12-Step program, and conscious contact with God, and an attitude of gratitude. You did your footwork and He took care of your needs; you noticed and were thankful. It's a good testimony to hear again.
Prayers for you...
Chris A

Paula said...

CONGRATS to the awared. Sorry to be so late in it! First time in days that I managed to get online. Big warm hug, Anna, for your kind and caring words on my blog. I really needed all prayers and blessings this week. Warm hugs and love form Germany

Gabriella Moonlight said...

All of this is so true on ever level, it's fear and terror that we allow in, and we never identify that it was/is fear until we work the steps daily...What a journey PG...Thank you for being in mine now!!!!

I am so grateful we met!!! I think of you each day!!!