Saturday, February 21, 2009

Saturday, 2/21/09 - LET GO AND LET GOD


I stumbled my way down many dead end avenues in my quest to escape the pain and confusion I lived with. I was in the depths of denial, the throes of alcoholism and understood nothing of my predicament, but the misery.

I was baptized a second time in a Baptist church in hopes that somehow it would make things better. (I had been baptized as a baby.) When there were altar calls to be prayed over, I would be up there on my knees.

My condition continued to worsen and eventually a nurse where I worked came into my office, shut the door and began to speak to me of alcoholism. She explained my shaking hands and other things about the disease. I immediately placed a wall of steel up between her words and my mind, but the seed was planted.

My general physician was ignorant about alcoholism, treated me with disdain, spoke in a demeaning manner, and made it clear I needed to use will power. This increased my guilt and shame. I had to convince him to prescribe antabuse. That was not the cure, of course, but did help me have some drink-free days near the final end of my drinking.

After an incident when I awoke from a blackout (I didn't know at that time there was such a thing as a blackout.) with a knife in my hand, I ended up at the local hospital after 911 had been called and was finally released with an appointment to meet with my minister for counseling. I met with this loving man for months as I continued drinking.

All these events were orchestrated perfectly by God. I finally ended up inside the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. That too was a temporary dead end for me UNTIL I totally surrendered.

I had many 'yea buts'.
  • Yea but, I can't stay away from this slippery place because my whole family is going.
  • Yea but, my husband this and my husband that.....
  • Yea but, my children need this, that and the other thing.

THE RESULT? I kept relapsing, drinking again.

Thank God I came to the place where I LET GO of trying to stay sober on my own terms.

When I finally admitted complete defeat, that my interpretation of what I should and shouldn't and could and couldn't do to stay sober didn't work -


take over and be in charge of my recovery. He worked with me through my sponsor, members of Alcoholics Anonymous, my counselor, and many other people and situations.

This time I listened, followed directions, and have been sober since.

Today I know that the solution to all my problems lies in:


Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: Frosty Sun Rise by cambuck1)


Syd said...

Great post. Once I surrendered I was able to finally hear the things that I needed to hear. I had fought for so long to fix another person. Impossible and thankfully I finally realized that.

steveroni said...

Yep, as I frequently say--it is SO easy to "say", isn't it--God is the director of this symphony orchestra, which is me...playing the concerto of my life. God is the conductor...and I have to play everything just like He says.

If I do not, eventually He will toss me our of the orchestra, saying something like, "Steve, you did this to yourself!"

And he would be right. Love you, PrayerGirl,
Steve E.

Shadow said...

sounds so simply... i think it's the expectation that it's JUST about NOT drinking, that causes many to relapse. if only someone had whispered in my ear that it's about finding my new me, by disecting the old, that i will find the road to recovery...

Akannie said...

I could sure relate to this...and I was in the rooms of AA for a year before I finally Let Go....
I always tell people that I did everything wrong the first year I was here...and it was NOT the easier, softer way...

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Again PG what an amazing post, thank you for giving me much to be grateful for today and much to think about...those "yea buts" wer all about my life and still creep in, but today I am grateful to not to Pick up a drink..

Colleen said...

Let Go and Let God is a hard thing to do. I know I let go sometimes and then take it all back again!!
Thank you for sharing your life with us.

Zanejabbers said...

Thank God when I do let goes God doesn't.

Fireblossom said...

Mmm, I can't, She can, so let Her.

Even after coming to the program, there were times I couldn't fight the compulsion to drink, until I asked God to override it and allow me to stay sober. That worked, when nothing else ever had. Today I have a choice not to take the first drink. And that's a miracle, a true gift.

Laura said...

Don't you love that God continually holds out His hand until we really take hold of it?

Amazing love, Amazing grace.