Thursday 10/1/09 - "MY GOD BOX"

"MY GOD BOX"

Last year I received a present from a wonderful blogger, Jen. She is no longer blogging as far as I know, but she will be in my heart and in my home for a long time to come. One of the gifts she sent was a box she made with her own loving hands, decorated by the inspiration of her heart, and it became "MY GOD BOX". (The box pictured is not the one she sent.)

On this 1st day of October I have many items in this GOD BOX.

I received a call from an Alcoholics Anonymous sponsee this morning that she had "gone out" (drinking and drugging) over the weekend and did not call me till today out of shame and disappointment in herself. This girl has been "out" three times in the short few months since I met and began sponsoring her. She wants to try again. She's in my GOD BOX.

Another girl I sponsored in AA for 5 years who moved away has decided that she'll be O.K. drinking as long as she stays away from drugs. It breaks my heart to watch someone I love killing themselves in front of my eyes. She's in my GOD BOX.

Another alcoholic who is close to me has made the same decision that drinking is O.K. as long as she stays away from drugs. This is heartbreaking too. She's in my GOD BOX.

Someone I love, like many others these days, has been unemployed a long time and finally landed a first job interview in a year. A prayer for her employment is in the GOD BOX.

Prayers for health for myself, my husband, my children, their loved ones, the patients I visit in the hospital, and my many friends are all in my GOD BOX.

I have a lot of new friends, most of whom I have never met face-to-face, here in the blogosphere. I have come to know you through your writings. Many suffer the heartache of betrayal by friends, family, or other loved ones. Others are on journeys of healing from childhood abuse. And some are facing difficult mental or physical illnesses. All these bloggers are in my GOD BOX.

I just realized I need to put myself in my GOD BOX - so I'm in there now!

What's in your GOD BOX?

Prayer Girl

Wednesday 9/30/09 - "ALMOST WORDLESS WEDNESDAY"

"ALMOST WORDLESS WEDNESDAY"

PLANETARY SMASH-UP
ENERGY RELEASED
CAPTURED POWER
HOPE, HARMONY, HEALING

Prayer Girl

(Image Credit: Planetary Smash-Up, NASA/JPL-Caltech)

Tuesday 9/29/09 - "FLOAT ME AWAY NATURALLY"

"FLOAT ME AWAY NATURALLY"

Even though I'm sober and stable many years in Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon, there are still times I just want to float away for a while and escape the stresses of life. I look for ways to do this naturally.

I have always been an escape artist of the mind, but not like the guys who chain themselves inside a tank of water and then escape the chains just in the nick of time to prevent drowning. Rather, I was an escape reality gal. I sought primarily to escape my many (some of them nameless) fears.

There are several acronyms for the word FEAR. One is "Face Everything and Recover" and another is "Forget Everything and Run." The first is the acronym of recovery and the second is the one I pursued as the sister of an alcoholic, later the wife of an alcoholic and then an alcoholic myself.

The way I forgot everything and ran was often by choosing an obsession to focus on that would obliterate the realities of life from my mind. It would make life go away by "taking me away". These escapes were usually harmful and unhealthy. I used many forms of escaping my problems, but my final, ultimate escape was the use of alcohol and that led me into the depths of alcoholism from which I could not escape on my own. Eventually, God freed me from the obsession to drink.

My freedom from alcohol allowed me to begin to face reality and start my recovery. I have been on this journey to health for many years. HOWEVER, there are still times when I grow weary of life. I sometimes feel that same old urge come over me to "escape", that desire to "get me out of here". I am very cautious when this happens. When I become aware of that feeling, I put all I have learned in Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon into practice and resist that old unhealthy urge to "escape". I try to release the mostly self-imposed pressures I'm feeling by choosing ways of floating away naturally.

What do I mean? I mean that I try to allow my mind and spirit to lighten up. I take actions that will allow release of fear, stress, worry, anxiety, and that sense of restlessness, irritability, and discontent.

These are some of the healthy, natural ways I have found to float:
(They are healthy if not taken to an extreme that causes neglect of basic things needing to be done.)

I find a book that I can identify with and I allow it's characters, plot, and setting to carry me away. Sometimes a movie will do the same thing. I can float away on the sounds of music.

Sitting or walking at the beach or in any other very peaceful spot and allowing the sweet breezes of God's world to lift me up, can float me away.

As many children do, I can lie on the ground and watch the billowy, pillowy clouds moving across the sky and imagine myself floating with them and on them.

If I am in just the right mental and spiritual state, I can write a poem, a blog, or journal and that action will "take me away".

There are times when creative cooking carries me out of myself.

Prayer and meditation can set me adrift long enough to become calm and at ease within myself.

There are many, many ways to drift, to float. I actively seek ways to treat myself kindly, take care of myself, and be gentle with myself that will ease that discomfort.

Happy natural floating fellow bloggers.

Prayer Girl

Monday 9/28/09 - "A PEEK"

"A PEEK INTO PRAYER GIRL'S LIFE TODAY"

Saturday night my mind was too mixed up to produce a Sunday blog so the first thing I did this morning was pump one out. It felt good to write.

I whipped up a fruit smoothie with milk, orange juice, banana, peach, apple, and strawberry. I took it with me to my home group Al-Anon meeting at 11 am. The smoothie was perfect as was the meeting.

The meeting was a discussion on a reading from "Hope For Today", September 21, p. 265. A few excerpts from that reading:

"I forget that there are ups and downs to any journey, and I feel overcome with disappointment with my seemingly slow progress. ......how valuable it is to persistently move forward in the program. When the road ahead looks threatening and I want to turn back to my old attitudes and behaviors, I remember that I'm not alone on my path. I have the wisdom of a Power greater than myself, the tools of the program, and the experience, strength, and hope of my fellow travelers in Al-Anon to support me. ...During bleak periods of my recovery, my Higher Power reminds me that the best way out is through."

As is so often the case, this meeting seemed designed especially for my ears and my waiting heart.

I had planned to go to the gym after the meeting, but decided at the last minute to join three other women for a bite to eat instead. What a lovely way to spend a piece of a Sunday afternoon, listening and speaking with other recovering women.

I had a Reuben melt that was delicious and took half the sandwich home for tomorrow. When I got home, hubby was there so I gave him the half sandwich, and skipped the gym.

So - - - instead of using an elliptical machine, I napped. :)

Next, it was hubby and I off on our scooters to get a coffee and catch an Alcoholics Anonymous step meeting at 5:30. After the meeting, we found that someone was cooking up hot dogs, hamburgers, and bratwurst for anyone hungry. They had a picnic earlier in the day and these were left. My stomach loved it then, but isn't totally happy several hours later.

I had the pleasure of speaking with an Al-Anon sponsee when I got home from the meeting. What a wonderful thing. I just love the girls in my life.

This evening an enjoyable hour was spent chatting on "The Second Road" during their regularly scheduled Sunday night chat 8-9 pm.

I am mentally and spiritually preparing for my pastoral care volunteering tomorrow. I received a call from the Chaplain's office on Friday letting me know that two new volunteers will be shadowing me on Monday. This makes me a little nervous so I'm actively turning it over to God.

I am remembering that I spent years before retirement training staff. I was a staff development person among other things. I know how to train. Why am I worrying??? Silly question. Just another thing I'm working on - reducing worry.

Love and prayers for all you bloggers.

Prayer Girl

Sunday 9/27/09 - "TEARS"

"TEARS"

So many people have so many reasons for tears these days. I read blogs, listen when sponsees and friends call, watch strangers and those I know well floundering around in life - lost.

It has taken many years for me to allow full reign to my emotions. Particularly difficult are what I label "negative" or "bad" feelings. Turns out there are no such things as negative or bad feelings - they are just feelings - without labels or judgments. I began to learn this fact when I was in a treatment center for my alcoholism when I was 39. I am still working on it.

As a child with a child's perceptions, my sadness and tears seemed to create distress in the adults around me. They had trouble dealing with them. I did not wish to trouble my parents so I learned to hide sadness deep down within where it would not be seen. This made me very sick.

Today, if I am sad, I am more likely to be able to actually feel and accept it. I still have trouble expressing it, letting others see it. I still harbor the idea that I need to be strong, the mender of torn lives, the fix-it lady. I can express it here. I am sad today. So I am in good company with you bloggers who are feeling sad, disappointed, weary.

What will we do about this? Sadness saps energy. It is a vicious little circle - the sadder we are, the more we need to take action. The sadder we are, the more difficult it is to take any action.

I have discovered that just the smallest amount of action will reap some reward:

Any prayer even a short and simple one is heard by God and answered. Always an answer, but always in God's time.

Continued work with others helps keep our minds out of problems and emotional turmoil. Prying the focus off ourselves is so important.

Be kind to ourselves, stop pushing and demanding more than we have to give at this moment. Take a nap, allow a special treat to eat, postpone temporarily some extremely stressful task that may need to be accomplished.

Remember that we are human, not robots or superheroes.

Try to appreciate the small and simple things of life that are right in front of our eyes, ears, and noses - perhaps the sounds of gently falling rain or the smell of freshness after that rain, and the crystal clear greenness of the plants and grass when the rain has passed.

Remember also that all feelings pass. When in sadness it has a habit of feeling like it will never pass. It will. When? Who knows exactly! But move on it will.

From me to you - God bless you if you are in sadness. God bless you if you are on the other side of that sadness.

Love and prayers,
Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: http://photosnap.deviantart.com/art/Sad-tears-56676499)

Saturday 9/26/09 - "SIX WORD SATURDAY"

"SIX WORD SATURDAY"

YOU ARE AN INFINITELY BRILLIANT STAR!

Prayer Girl

(Image credit: Coiled Creature - NASA/JPL-Caltech)

Friday 9/25/09 - "NIGHTMARE"

FLASH FICTION FRIDAY 55

"NIGHTMARE"

Midnight nightmare found me inside an active alcoholic's brain.
To the right - masses of twisted tissue of guilt, shame, remorse, dread, despair.
To the left - locked compartments, no apparent keys, filled with problems of love, jobs, finances, health.
Total confusion and denial reigned.

My eyes opened and brilliant light entered my sane mind. Thank God.

Prayer Girl

Flash Fiction Friday 55
is a story written in exactly 55 words.
Let the G-Man know if you write one
and read the ones of your fellow writers.

Thursday 9/24/09 - "FAMILY"

"FAMILY"

When I found Alcoholics Anonymous it was like finding a family I had been looking for a very long time. I loved my family - my mother, father, brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, but somehow I always felt that things weren't quite right. I always seemed to be looking for something else from them that I could not put in words.

I remember when I was very young and my family would be driving from the Washington, D.C., to the shore (Ocean City, Maryland), I would sit in the back seat of our car as it got dark, looking out the window at all the other cars headed in the same direction. I would fantasize about those unknown and nameless families in those other cars. I would wonder about them, what their lives were like.

I also remember spending more time playing at my friends homes than having them over to my house to play. I could not have explained why this was and I think I felt guilt over preferring to be somewhere else.

Something happened to me when I found AA that helped me understand some of my feelings about family. I heard people say in the meetings that the fellowship was like another family. There were those who had to distance themselves from their own families and claimed AA as their only family. I remained able to love and have relationship with my family for which I am very grateful. But I also found in AA that unknown quality of family that I had been searching for so many years. I found people who spoke my language, who I understood, and who understood me in a way my own family had been unable to do.

I have learned over the years that the AA family is like all families in many respects. There are members of the family that are most wonderful and who I dearly love being around. Then there are the more eccentric, kind of crazy, downright nutty, or just unhealthy members of the family that I may choose to be around less. No family including AA is made up of perfect people. We are all human and like all humans we have our faults and shortcomings.

I love my AA and Al-Anon families. I accept them as they are. I make reasoned choices about which members I will spend more time with. Others I choose to treat with respect and dignity, but do not develop deeper relationships with.

I have also discovered there is a blog family. Those of you who are reading this are in it. I love my blog family too. :)

Prayer Girl

Wednesday 9/23/09 - "ALMOST WORDLESS WEDNESDAY"

"ALMOST WORDLESS WEDNESDAY"

*

**

***

****

The dog pictures I chose are not the dogs I owned.

The dogs in my life have held a very special place in my heart.
They were at these ages:

Bootsie (when I was 4 years old)
Trixie (in my teens)
Toni (30s)
Dawn (30s)
Rex (30s)
Bridgette (40s to 50s)

Will there be time for another? God only knows.
____________________________________________
Anaya - I am praying right now for God's spiritual guidance for your young friend in the New Zealand hospital.

Prayer Girl

(Photo credits: * There's no need to fear!! by Clint Hyduchak, ** Family Portrait by Jesse Clayton,
*** A Cool Drink on a Hot Day by Linda Roach, **** Good Sit by Alexis Yobbagy)

Tuesday 9/22/09 - "HOLD ME, QUIET ME"

"HOLD ME, QUIET ME"

My mind does not want to be tamed enough to write a blog tonight, but I do want to post. I'll just jot down some thoughts I'm having.

Today I received the following in an email from the Chaplain of our hospital where I volunteer as a pastoral care assistant:

Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.

I take the third step and turn my life over to God every morning and ask for God's guidance, support, and comfort. I ask God to silence my mouth if I am in any doubt as to what would be best to say. God helps me remain quiet through guidance I have received in Al-Anon. I can delay what comes out of my mouth by choosing to "wait a week and a day" before responding. I can also wait to speak until I know what I want to say, I will mean what I say, and I'll say it without being mean.

I am filled with happiness that I had the opportunity to use the healing touch to relieve pain in the legs and hips of a patient in the hospital. When I entered his room, he was grimacing, visibly in pain, and trying to get into a less painful position in the hospital bed. I sat, we talked, and then I asked if I might lay my hands on the blanket that covered his legs and the moment I placed my hands on the covers, he said he felt heat. His legs were feeling better by the time I left.

Another lady with many health problems had been admitted for a lacerated hand. Because of her other conditions, they wanted to observe her for a day. I asked if I could gently hold her bandaged hand, she agreed, and she too felt the warmth of the healing touch. I say, "Thank you God".

Daughter is coming tomorrow. Pray for all of us. Pray for God's will in all things.

There have been recent successes in the lives of some of my sponsees. I am watching the hearts and spiritual eyes of some of them opening just like flowers to the sun. The truth is setting them free as we work the 12 steps together. This is watching a miracle happen.

I pray for that peace that passes all understanding - that God will place it in your minds, bodies, and spirits.

Prayer Girl

Monday 9/21/09 - "DIGNITY, RESPECT, AND LOVE"

"DIGNITY, RESPECT, AND LOVE"

I did not always agree with the excerpt from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" (ODAT) that I will be quoting. I certainly didn't believe that my alcoholic husband deserved to be treated with dignity. I did have contempt for him. I did not understand that he was sick. I just thought he was crazy and "out to get me". I was, of course, the victim in this scene.

Then, the tables turned and I ended up in the same role that my first husband had occupied. I became an alcoholic too. I hated myself and had absolutely no self-esteem and felt I didn't deserve dignity or respect. I had none for myself.

From ODAT, September 20, p. 264:

"If irrational and irresponsible behavior on the part of the alcoholic has betrayed us into assuming an attitude of contempt for him, some serious examination of ourselves is in order.

They are not "bad boys,"....They are sick, confused and guilt-ridden human beings with badly battered egos.

God has given no one the right to humiliate another....

It is vital to my serenity to separate, in my mind, the sickness of alcoholism from the person who suffers from it. I will dignify him with the respect which is everyone's due. This, in turn, will give him back the self-esteem that is an important element in wanting sobriety."

Before finding any recovery this was a very tall order. When I was the wife of an alcoholic and without Al-Anon, I would never have understood these words. But then becoming an alcoholic put me in a position that caused me to begin to see things differently. I desperately needed any shred of respect and dignity I could find. I certainly didn't believe I deserved it. I found Alcoholics Anonymous and my transformation of attitude began. Then I found Al-Anon and my ability to see everything in a new light and more clearly, grew.

I can hate the behavior of an alcoholic and yet still love the God-given soul that rests within that person. I was able to experience this for myself in my own life and then I was able to extend this loving compassion to other alcoholics. Al-Anon has shown me how to give a sick person that respect without betraying my own self - my values, morals, and quality of life.

Thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. They have helped me develop love and compassion for all God's people.

Prayer Girl

Sunday 9/20/09 - "ON EAGLE'S WINGS"

"ON EAGLE'S WINGS"

The refrain from the hymn "On Eagle's Wings":

"And he will raise you up on eagle's wings, bear you on the breath of dawn,
make you to shine like the sun, and hold you in the palm of his hand." *

What a beautiful promise. What beautiful words of solace and comfort. When we are hurting, lost, in confusion, hopeless, in the depths of despair, they are wonderful reassurances.

When we are full of light and joy and happiness, they lift us even higher. They make us lighter than air just like soaring on eagle's wings.

In the many blogs I read I find much gratitude, positive thinking, and joy. But I also find the pain of humanity in what is written - the pain of addiction, fear and anxiety over the addictions of loved ones, losses leaving people with grief that is sometimes overwhelming. There are those who suffer from the effects of all types of abuse, having been deprived of the nurturing so necessary to the human spirit.

I have been among those who have found themselves in the depths of despair caused by alcoholism. I have been among the many who were unable to lift themselves up and needed to be lifted up by the loving arms of God. I am living proof right along side so many of you that it can and does happen. I was lifted up on eagle's wings out of the hell of addiction.

This blog is specially for those who need reminding of the love of God and the reassurance that they can rely on strength from a power greater than themselves. Such power is available for the asking. Ask, pray for the strength you lack.

God bless each of you this Sunday. May each one of you be lifted up - way up.

Prayer Girl

* Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint."

Saturday 9/19/09 - " SIX WORD SATURDAY"

"SIX WORD SATURDAY"

PRECIOUS PEACE THAT PASSETH ALL UNDERSTANDING!

Prayer Girl

Friday 9/18/09 - "PREDATOR, PREY, AND PRAYER"

FLASH FICTION FRIDAY 55

"PREDATOR, PREY, AND PRAYER"

It lurks close, but unseen, its voracious appetite growing stronger, more pressing with every instant, patiently awaiting the prey's next unguarded moment.

The object of its interest has completely underestimated the nature of the predator.

Or maybe the victim is ignoring, denying the extreme danger.

She reaches for the wine glass as a mother prays.

Prayer Girl

Flash Fiction Friday 55
is a story written in exactly 55 words.
Let the G-Man know if you write one
and read the ones of your fellow writers.

Thursday, 9/17/09 - "GOD HEALS"

Find the message in the first letters of
the titles of the pictures I chose!

G lorious day

O rchids

D oggies

----

H earts

E arth

A ngel

L illy of the valley

S pace

"GOD HEALS"

Prayer Girl

Wednesday 9/16/09 - "REACTIONS"

"REACTIONS"

"I will try to overcome my tendency to react to what people say or do. I can't know why they do it, because I cannot understand their inner unhappiness and compulsions, any more than they can understand mine. When I react, I put the control of my peace of mind in the hands of others. My serenity is under my control, and I will not relinquish it for trivial occurrences."

"I pray for the tolerance and the wisdom to
avoid reacting to what other people say and do."
(From "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" , Sept. 15, p. 259)

Oh how I love the Al-Anon program. It is teaching me such wonderful living skills. My life used to be characterized too often by volatile emotional reactions to what others around me said or did. These reactions did not always serve me well and caused more problems than they resolved.

I was raised in what is now termed a dysfunctional family. My brother was an out-of-control alcoholic from an early age and I discovered the effect that had on me 45 years later. This was followed by marrying a functioning alcoholic who drank for the 20 years I was married to him.

I had no idea how crazy that made me until I found recovery, first in Alcoholics Anonymous 24 years ago and then in Al-Anon 5 years ago. The 12 steps allowed me to become aware of myself and to understand how others affected me and my reactions to them. I discovered that I frequently put my peace of mind and serenity in the hands of sick people and I was sick myself.

Today, I don't have to act crazy as the result of someone else's compulsive behaviors, problems, or imbalances. As the quote from the ODAT says, I can choose my reactions - the when, the where, and the how of them, and even if I will react.

Some of the ways I keep the serenity I have found and cherish are:

I THINK before I react - before I speak, make a sudden decision, or jump with my mind into the future.

I heard the following from a woman who chairs a weekly beginner's meeting. She says when someone says or does something that causes excessive emotion, before I take any action, I should GIVE IT A WEEK AND A DAY.

Writing in a journal, writing letters that are never mailed, are all wonderful ways to prevent overreaction.

Allow TIME to pass between a sudden, strong feeling and a decision about whether to take action and if action is to be taken, what type.

Remembering that God exists and is in charge helps put a current situation in perspective.

Peace and serenity to you and yours,

Prayer Girl

Tuesday 9/15/09 - "HEAVY, BUT FLYING"

"HEAVY, BUT FLYING"

Being a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and a member of Al-Anon allows me to fly even when I may be feeling sort of "heavy". I heard many years ago in meetings and still do to "wear life like a loose garment". If life feels restrictive, we can loosen the bindings by using the steps and principles of the program.

What are some of the things we can do to lighten us when we are feeling "heavy laden"? How can we fly even when heavy?

An important thing in my kit of spiritual tools is to remember that I took Step 3 and turned my life over to God and when I reflect on the fact that I believe nothing happens in God's world by accident, then I can sigh a huge sigh of relief knowing all will be well. As that air escapes me, I lift up and begin to fly.

A very powerful tool to relieve heaviness is reviewing my own experience, strength, and hope. Nothing is more capable of producing hope and a positive attitude than looking at my own history. I reflect on the hopeless state of mind and body that I was in and remember the miracle of sobriety and all the good things in my life that have flowed from that.

Another powerful tool I have to lighten the load is prayer. I believe that prayers are heard and answered. I also believe that God's answers are always what are best for me and everyone involved. God always answers - sometimes yes, sometimes no, sometimes not yet. I have faith that God's will is best.

Sharing problems with a sponsor or a trusted friend lightens the load. A problem shared is a problem cut in half.

God is everywhere. God's presence is always very strong in an Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon meeting so if I want to have a lift in spirits, I go to a meeting.

I would be remiss if I didn't say that putting things out to the blogging community is an excellent way to help dispel heaviness. There is such love, support, and positive feedback available just for the blogging. :)

Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: Flying by Kelli States)

Monday 9/14/09 - "WHERE DID MY BLOG GO?"

WHERE DID MY BLOG GO?

Where oh where did my little blog go?
Oh where oh where did it go?

A little silliness perhaps? But, seriously, last night I hunted high and low for my blog, any blog. I searched in my right brain and then went over to the left. No luck. There was no blog to be found anywhere. Therefore, none was written. :(

It is Monday morning and I'm getting ready to go to the hospital for volunteering. If I can muster up enough motivation I'll hop over to the gym afterward and at least get some cardio exercising accomplished.

I wrote a poem not long ago about sleep eluding me. I even posted it. I'm in one of those restless sleep patterns. However, I know that it shall pass as everything does.

SLEEP ELUDES ME

Sleep eludes me
Now - in the deepest part of night
Thoughts are flashing
Though I try with all my might
To tuck them in for good
And close the curtains of my sight

Sleep evades me
In this solitude of midnight
Where emotions fly about
Sparking thoughts like brilliant light
And my brain just cannot close
No shuttered mind this night

Sleep escapes me
In the silence of this night
But God is here
Gently whispering goodnight
Speaking in the stillness
Saying everything's alright

Prayer Girl

(Photo credits: Autumn Walk by Els Bx, Walking in the Park by Leslie Cervantez)

Sunday 9/13/09 - "OUR OUTLOOK UPON LIFE WILL CHANGE"

"OUR WHOLE ATTITUDE AND OUTLOOK
UPON LIFE WILL CHANGE"

("Alcoholics Anonymous", p. 84 - 8th 9th step promise)

The world used to seem a punishing place. Abuse and unkindness that came my way seemed deserved. I did not see that this was my vision of life until I discovered the truth working the 12 steps in Alcoholics Anonymous. In that process I discovered the roles I had been playing in my life - the victim, the person responsible for things that went wrong, and the one whose job it was to fix things and put them right. These beliefs colored my attitude towards life.

Life was represented in my mind like a glass half empty. I spent many years in depression that colored my world gray. When the world is gray, the glass is half empty. Recovery has brought truth and light into my life turning the world a million, brilliant, bright and beautiful colors. The vibrancy of this world shifts my vision of the glass to half full.

When I woke from my last drunk, a spiritual experience met me. At that moment, a new hope was born, a hope that I could stay sober and life could be worth living. This hope slowly brought forth a whole new attitude. Hope bred gratitude and love. As the years have passed, my gratitude has grown. As I have been allowed to pass on what I have learned in recovery, love has grown.

The world is such a different place today. Everything has changed because I have changed. When difficulties arise and bad things happen, my attitude and outlook upon them is different. They have changed as a result of working steps 1 through 12 and as THE RESULT of the 12th step, I have had a spiritual awakening. This spiritual awakening sustained and strengthened by prayer and meditation developed in step 11, allows a new approach to problems. I remind myself that I took step 3 and turned my will and my life over to the care of God and then I pray. These actions have the power to change my attitude in an instant.

This new outlook and attitude upon life is a miracle to me. My attitude about being an alcoholic was most negative when I initially took step 1 and admitted my powerlessness over alcohol. Today, that attitude has completely changed and I know that becoming an alcoholic is the best thing that ever happened to me. It allowed me to have this wonderful life that I live today.

Prayer Girl

9/11 TRIBUTE on Saturday 9/12/09 - "I REMEMBER"

"I REMEMBER"

I remember 9-11-01 and...

I WILL NEVER FORGET:

exactly where I was when I first heard about a plane hitting the World Trade Center.

the emotions of horror, fear, and disbelief that filled me at that first moment and as further tragedies unfolded.

the weeks and months following when our spirits were numb.

the deep, limitless, and unspeakable sorrow we felt.

the ways we reached out to console each other in our grief.

how much I love the United States of America.

how grateful I am to have been blessed to be born in America.

the innocent lives lost on that day in New York City, at the Pentagon, and in a field in Pennsylvania.

the bravery and love of those who gave their lives to save others on 9-11.

the men and women trapped in that living hell of the World Trade Center aflame who threw themselves out of that inferno into the loving arms of God and into eternity.

that every moment is precious and we NEVER know when the day that greets us on awakening may be our last.

to appreciate each day, one-day-at-a-time.

the prayers that went up for those that were missing.

how grateful I was to be able to live through those chaotic times without even thinking of taking a drink.

Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: Everyday Heroes by Stephen Zacker)

Friday 9/11/09 - "NATURE'S GIFT"

FLASH FICTION FRIDAY 55

"NATURE'S GIFT"

A bird unseen trills her sweet melodies - up and down a magical scale. They wing their way into my open soul.

Nature's gift has found its way to my grateful, waiting ear. Willing to sit still on my back porch long enough to really listen, I thank God for the grace to hear and appreciate.

Prayer Girl

Flash Fiction Friday 55
is a story written in exactly 55 words.
Let the G-Man know if you write one
and read the ones of your fellow writers.

Thursday 9/10/09 - "BACK TO NORMAL?"

"BACK TO NORMAL?"

The traveler has returned - unscathed, in one piece, feet in good shape, looking good, feeling good in a big hug, well fed, drinking water, drinking espresso, back in front of his computer.

Things are back to normal? What do I mean?

I no longer will keep all doors compulsively locked at all times day and night.

I will not have to check the locked doors 3 or more times before going to bed.

I can put the letter opener near the bed back where it belongs.

My habit of staying out and about till 3:00 in the afternoon, returning long before dark, and not leaving once it has become dark can be dropped.

I can choose to continue collecting the trash on Friday night for pick-up Saturday morning or give the job back to hubby.

The BIG coffee pot will be put back into service.

Maybe I'll ride my scooter again.

There will be sounds other than a T.V. in the house again. I'll hear the "dings" of the chat room and the sounds of blog videos being played coming from another computer.

The garage space is back to the way it was - - - two scooters and one RAV4.

Mr. Bert, our kitty, has his favorite person back to feed him and put him to bed on the back porch where he plays in "his jungle" (the plants out there) all night.

There will again be the prayers of TWO people rising from this household.

There is a special sense of "presence" in a home where love lives. That "presence" has returned.

I am grateful that my prayers for "safe riding" were answered.

Prayer Girl

Wednesday 9/9/09 "SHORT VISIT ON EARTH"

"SHORT VISIT ON EARTH"

"Strange is our situation here upon earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to a divine purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: That we are here for the sake of others...for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy. Many times a day, I realize how much my outer and inner life is built upon the labors of people, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received."
- Albert Einstein

Dear Mr. Albert Einstein understood so much. His mathematics and his mind seems to have touched the infinite. I think most alcoholics will readily feel an affinity to these words of his.

The longer I am sober, the more precious life becomes. The more I learn to live one day at a time - in the now - the more cherished each moment is. And the more this happens, the more I realize the brevity of life.

I spent many years wondering what in the heck I was doing here and what was the point of my existence. The only constant I ever had was my belief in God. Even when I turned away from God, He remained deep in my soul.

I became an alcoholic which brought me to Alcoholics Anonymous. It was there that I was brought back to a right relationship with God and discovered my purpose.

Mr. Einstein says well in his own words what I now believe. I have learned that I am here to carry the message of freedom from alcohol to other alcoholics. And I am here to carry the principles of the Alcoholics Anonymous program to others God puts in my life. I have learned how to do this from those who showed me the way.

I am bound by a common bond with other alcoholics and those affected by alcoholism. I am bound to those who passed on the life-saving 12 steps, the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous", and the traditions of AA.

Thank God I no longer feel useless or purposeless. I have found my purpose.

Prayer Girl

Tuesday 9/8/09 - "RUNNING, RUNNING, RUNNING"

"RUNNING, RUNNING, RUNNING"

Fear used to be my first, middle, and last name.
Paranoia competed with fear as my first, middle, and last name.

"Running" used to be my modus operandi.

Much has changed. My life has changed.
Fear no longer rules my life.
Paranoia is mostly a thing of the past.

AND - I no longer have to run.

Why did I run? How did I run? Where did I run? How far did I get?

I was - "Driven by a hundred forms of fear..."
(Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 62)

AND my life was characterized by a hundred forms of running.

As a young child and a young person I ran from my feelings. I ran as a way of escaping emotions I did not understand and could not deal with. One method of running was by inflicting pain on myself. The pain covered the emotional turmoil. I dug my fingernails into my wrists and into my arms till there were marks. I would then wear long sleeves to cover those marks. It wasn't until 40 years later that I found out that today this is called "cutting". The only difference - I used my own fingernails - not razors or knives.

When I was older I ran into relationships. I was always an extremely intense person and I would "get lost" in the high emotion of "love". I had no idea this was a form of running till right now as I write this blog.

I sometimes ran into things that weren't necessarily unhealthy. I ran into reading books, watching movies, watching T.V., even academics, but these efforts did not help me cope with life. When taken to extremes, they helped me escape life.

All my running led me absolutely nowhere. I remained confused, depressed, having suicidal thoughts, and unable to cope with life. When all my attempts to run failed me, I finally found the perfect way to run - into alcohol. It was a fantastic solution for a brief period of time. It failed me within three years. By that time my alcoholism had taken me to the gates of Hell, the gates of death.

Then I found Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 steps. I worked those steps and God restored me to sanity. I was finally able to stop running. I have learned to live life on life's terms - right in the here and now.

That desire to run still grabs me from time to time, but today I have different, healthy solutions. I can drop to my knees in prayer and look to God for help. God answers. I can call my sponsor, get to a meeting, speak with others in recovery. I can write about what may be bothering me. I can blog. I have received many tools in recovery and they really work.

I no longer have to run. Life is good. Thank you God.

Prayer Girl

Monday 9/7/09 - "SELF-SEEKING WILL SLIP AWAY"

"SELF-SEEKING WILL SLIP AWAY"
("Alcoholics Anonymous", p. 84 - 7th 9th step promise)

There is total relief in not having to be concerned with "ME" all the time - my wants, my thoughts, my plans, my dreams, my goals, my... me, me, me, my, my, my!!!

"Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased.....What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well."
("Alcoholics Anonymous", p. 60-61)

When I read these words, I saw me in them. I could see myself forever trying to direct the show to meet my ideas and expectations and then watch the arrangements never working out. It was as hopeless as the merry-go-round of alcoholism I was on. The steps of Alcoholics Anonymous allowed me to step off the carousel of alcoholism and allowed me to give up the need to direct. I handed all direction over to God.

My alcoholism had brought me to a point where I was willing to go to any lengths to relieve the confusion, pain, and spiritual bankruptcy of my disease. I became willing to look honestly at myself - the good, the bad, and the in-between. The result was freedom from myself, from my self-seeking. It was replaced with a desire to think about and help others. The more I gave away what I found in AA, the more I received back - one of those beautiful paradoxes of our program.

Self-seeking has slipped away - replaced by an interest in my fellows. What a beautiful promise fulfilled!

NOTE:

I want to thank A. Miles at TSR (The Second Road) for asking me to host the Sunday night chat. I had a wonderful time. God was there. Our topic was journeys our recovery has led us on and I could have talked in the chat room all night. :)

Prayer Girl