"RUNNING, RUNNING, RUNNING"Fear used to be my first, middle, and last name.
Paranoia competed with fear as my first, middle, and last name.
"Running" used to be my modus operandi.
Much has changed. My life has changed.
Fear no longer rules my life.
Paranoia is mostly a thing of the past.
AND - I no longer have to run.
Why did I run? How did I run? Where did I run? How far did I get?
I was - "Driven by a hundred forms of fear..."
(Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 62)
AND my life was characterized by a hundred forms of running.
As a young child and a young person I ran from my feelings. I ran as a way of escaping emotions I did not understand and could not deal with. One method of running was by inflicting pain on myself. The pain covered the emotional turmoil. I dug my fingernails into my wrists and into my arms till there were marks. I would then wear long sleeves to cover those marks. It wasn't until 40 years later that I found out that today this is called "cutting". The only difference - I used my own fingernails - not razors or knives.
When I was older I ran into relationships. I was always an extremely intense person and I would "get lost" in the high emotion of "love". I had no idea this was a form of running till right now as I write this blog.
I sometimes ran into things that weren't necessarily unhealthy. I ran into reading books, watching movies, watching T.V., even academics, but these efforts did not help me cope with life. When taken to extremes, they helped me escape life.
All my running led me absolutely nowhere. I remained confused, depressed, having suicidal thoughts, and unable to cope with life. When all my attempts to run failed me, I finally found the perfect way to run - into alcohol. It was a fantastic solution for a brief period of time. It failed me within three years. By that time my alcoholism had taken me to the gates of Hell, the gates of death.
Then I found Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 steps. I worked those steps and God restored me to sanity. I was finally able to stop running. I have learned to live life on life's terms - right in the here and now.
That desire to run still grabs me from time to time, but today I have different, healthy solutions. I can drop to my knees in prayer and look to God for help. God answers. I can call my sponsor, get to a meeting, speak with others in recovery. I can write about what may be bothering me. I can blog. I have received many tools in recovery and they really work.
I no longer have to run. Life is good. Thank you God.