Monday, September 7, 2009

Tuesday 9/8/09 - "RUNNING, RUNNING, RUNNING"




"RUNNING, RUNNING, RUNNING"

Fear used to be my first, middle, and last name.
Paranoia competed with fear as my first, middle, and last name.

"Running" used to be my modus operandi.

Much has changed. My life has changed.
Fear no longer rules my life.
Paranoia is mostly a thing of the past.

AND - I no longer have to run.


Why did I run? How did I run? Where did I run? How far did I get?

I was - "Driven by a hundred forms of fear..."
(Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 62)


AND my life was characterized by a hundred forms of running.

As a young child and a young person I ran from my feelings. I ran as a way of escaping emotions I did not understand and could not deal with. One method of running was by inflicting pain on myself. The pain covered the emotional turmoil. I dug my fingernails into my wrists and into my arms till there were marks. I would then wear long sleeves to cover those marks. It wasn't until 40 years later that I found out that today this is called "cutting". The only difference - I used my own fingernails - not razors or knives.

When I was older I ran into relationships. I was always an extremely intense person and I would "get lost" in the high emotion of "love". I had no idea this was a form of running till right now as I write this blog.

I sometimes ran into things that weren't necessarily unhealthy. I ran into reading books, watching movies, watching T.V., even academics, but these efforts did not help me cope with life. When taken to extremes, they helped me escape life.

All my running led me absolutely nowhere. I remained confused, depressed, having suicidal thoughts, and unable to cope with life. When all my attempts to run failed me, I finally found the perfect way to run - into alcohol. It was a fantastic solution for a brief period of time. It failed me within three years. By that time my alcoholism had taken me to the gates of Hell, the gates of death.

Then I found Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 steps. I worked those steps and God restored me to sanity. I was finally able to stop running. I have learned to live life on life's terms - right in the here and now.

That desire to run still grabs me from time to time, but today I have different, healthy solutions. I can drop to my knees in prayer and look to God for help. God answers. I can call my sponsor, get to a meeting, speak with others in recovery. I can write about what may be bothering me. I can blog. I have received many tools in recovery and they really work.

I no longer have to run. Life is good. Thank you God.

Prayer Girl

18 comments:

Kay said...

running, aka, distractions...so well understood, thank you for the reply, you are very true, seeds are planted. Thank you.

Tall Kay said...

Thank you PG for reminding me of the solution. God answers. I love you.

Steve E. said...

Prayer Girl, I believe this is one of your best efforts. This is what we DO...share our experiences. And you do it SO well!

This blog should speak volumes to nearly all who read it.

Love,
ME.

Be home Thursday or Friday, or Saturday. "Keep the light on for me."

wolfie185 said...

Thanks PG I can really relate to the last paragraph.

Cheryl said...

This post made me shiver, I could relate to it so well. I was always poised and ready to leap into movement, in a vain attempt to soothe myself. I too thank God that I don't have to do that anymore. Great post.

Just Be Real said...

Encouraging post PG! I still find myself desiring to run, and at times do. But, not as bad as I used to. Thank you for sharing what you have gone through. Blessings....

Andrew said...

And I'm so glad you stopped running.

Much love and take good care.

Shadow said...

and it's good to know you no longer have to run...

Dulce said...

Hello Prayer Girl. I think it is the first time I come by, or at least the first one I stop and read your work.
Just to say I love it! Our dear Steve mentioned you as one of his favourites, so I had to know why and now I understand.
Thanks for sharing. I'll be following you and you are welcome to do so too if you like.
Pleased to meet you!

Kathy Lynne said...

this makes a lot of sense to me...and sounds painfully familiar....

Gin said...

Enjoy the downtime PG. Running takes up so much time and energy. :-)

g-man said...

Thats ME...Fear of Running!



(Steve-a-Rino must think you are Tom Bodette....:P)

Wanda's Wings said...

Wow, I never looked at it like that before. "Running" I'm am glad there is an answer. GOD.

Little M said...

Yep. I relate. And coincidentally enough I've been writing a post about the same topic.

Rahcovery Miles said...

I love this post PG. I've been trying to become comfortable putting down roots and not feeling bound by them, but instead feeling secure.

Syd said...

I may still run from things a bit by going on the boat. It is a place of peace for me though, a safe haven, a "tree" house on the water. Thought provoking post here.

vicariousrising said...

I'm really glad that fear isn't running your life any longer. It isn't a good companion.

Anaya said...

Running, I know that feeling so very well. From one love to the other, from one job to the next one in the next town etc. Beeing afraid of staying put, standing still....Mind is always running, too. something I have to work hard at. Thanks for sharing.