REFLECTIONS ON CHANGE, SPIRITUALITY, BELIEF, FAITH, PRAYER, AND MORE
Monday, April 13, 2009
Tuesday, 4/14/09 - PICTURES OF POWERLESSNESS"
"PICTURES OF POWERLESSNESS"
When I visit or volunteer at the hospital I am always struck by the stark "powerlessness" the patients there are experiencing. It reminds me of my "powerlessness" - of our "powerlessness".
I knocked on a patient's door and was invited into the room. As I entered, the lady in the room jumped up from a chair . She was quite agitated and said she was very disturbed. When she heard the knock at the door, she hoped it was someone arriving to transport her to surgery. She said that because it was a Holiday weekend, she had to wait over the entire weekend for her surgery, it was scheduled for 7:30 a.m. in the morning and I entered the room about 10:30 and she was still waiting. POWERLESS!
When I crossed over that line into alcoholism, it was subtle and I was totally unaware of the fact it happened till much later. From the moment I crossed it, I was powerless over alcohol. My drinking escalated without any ability to prevent it. When I drank, I was powerless over the outcome - how much I would drink or how it might affect me or others. It was not a pretty scene. POWERLESS!
Other people often do not behave the way I would like them to. They make choices and decisions that I may not think are wise. I have no control over them. I am POWERLESS!
I think of Hurricane Wilma as the winds began to howl in the deepest part of a night in October of 2006. The winds were so strong that all the exterior and interior doors shook and rattled as the force of the wind found its way through the slightest cracks of all the doors and windows of the house. I had prepared a space in our walk-in closet 'just in case' and spent several terrifying hours through those long dark hours debating whether to lie still or go to the closet. POWERLESS!
I learned about powerlessness when I took step one in the Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon programs. I can only say, "Thank God there is a step two and three". Without step three I would have been unable to admit my total lack of power. I needed a power greater than myself. Once I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, then I was able to admit being POWERLESS!
I'm sober in AA since July 5th 1985, and a grateful member of Alanon since November 2004.
I joined the "blogosphere" in September, 2008.
In December 2011 I became a grandmother for the first time and now understand why it's such a big deal. I'm wildly in love again with that little guy.