Thursday, 7/9/09 - "KISS"

"KISS"
"KEEP IT SIMPLE SWEETHEART"

I found myself writing a sentence in an email this morning that I decided would be my blog today. This is what I wrote: "I have found it easier to KISS - keep it simple sweetheart! (I much prefer sweetheart to stupid.)"

Everybody has heard the acronym used frequently in Alcoholics Anonymous, KISS. The newcomer quickly learns this means -
"KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID"!

When I finally arrived in AA, I was one of those who did not need to be told or reminded that I was stupid. I already believed it in the deepest part of me. No intelligence tests or professional pointing out a high IQ could make a dent in how stupid I knew I was. This went right along with a feeling of total worthlessness. At the age of almost 40 I arrived in the rooms of recovery a total failure. I was unable to work, had a failing marriage, could not adequately care for my children or myself, and had finally admitted I was an alcoholic. My self-esteem and self-confidence were in the minus zero range.

As I have moved through the years of recovery, my hatred of myself, my self-critical, judgmental, and censoring nature have all very slowly improved.

Today I believe in doing the best I can to keep it simple. I attempt to refrain from over-analyzing and dissecting everything in front of me. I use my AA and Al-Anon programs to guide my thinking and I find when I place God in charge my thinking is made simpler.

Today I love myself. My self-esteem and self-confidence are good. I honor and respect myself as a beloved child of God. I have a program that allows me to immediately correct any errors.

SO - Today, for me, the slogan is:

KISS -

KEEP IT SIMPLE SWEETHEART!

Let's all be kind and gentle with ourselves today as we continue to trudge our road of happy destiny.

Prayer Girl

Wednesday, 7/8/09 - "LOOKING INSIDE"

"LOOKING INSIDE"

"Who looks outside, dreams;
who looks inside, awakes."
- Carl Jung

Before I found Alcoholics Anonymous, much of my life was spent in a dream state full of wishing and hoping - wishing things were different than they were (I was perpetually discontented though I didn't realize it) and hoping things would be better (though I had no real idea what I wanted changed). Living in a dream is not conducive to being in touch with reality and being out of touch with reality is sometimes labeled insanity.

I was the heroine, the damsel in distress in all of my own dreams and I was always the victim searching for the perpetrators of my troubles. My focus was always outside myself, looking for the cause of my problems and unhappiness. If my mother and father were different, things would be better. If my boyfriends would stop leaving I would be happy, life would straighten out and I could live happily ever after. I know today that I did not know what needed to straighten out. I just knew things felt crooked.

Later, I married an alcoholic (though I didn't know it) so it was easy to look outside myself again to see the cause of all my unhappiness. It was always his fault. It never occurred to me to look inside myself, to see what I was thinking, feeling, or doing. Even after I began to see psychiatrists, counselors, and psychologists, I was unable to see inside.

By the time I was 39 and at the bottom of the pit of alcoholic despair, my dream existence had turned into a full scale nightmare from which I could not wake up. I lived in a world of insanity I couldn't escape.

Then the miracle of recovery through Alcoholics Anonymous happened. I found sobriety and the 12 steps. As I began to understand the AA program, take the steps, follow the suggestions and encouragement of a sponsor, and attend meetings, I began to look inside of rather than outside myself for the solution to my problems. I WOKE UP. I had been asleep for a very long time so it was difficult and took time. I came to realize that the solution to my problems was God and that it was only deep down inside of me that He could be found.

So - that is why I look inside. The more I focus on what needs to change in me and ask God to help me, the more awake I become. No more nightmares for me - just the pure exhilarating air and sunshine of a fully awake me.

Thank you AA, thank you God,
Prayer Girl

Tuesday, 7/7/09 - "FIRST CHAT EVER!"

"FIRST CHAT EVER!"

I begin this blog with a gigantic THANK YOU to Kristin H. for inviting bloggers to and hosting a chat Sunday night. Another large THANK YOU to Alix, at TSR (the second road) for moderating this chat. Register at TSR to join.
It's so easy even I could do it. :)

This was a terrific first chat ever and I was surprised at how much enjoyment, information, and camaraderie I found there.

This TSR chat is presently held on Sundays as announced from 8:00 to 9:00 pm. I was acting on pure inspiration as I had no intention at all to ever join any chat. However, at 7:45 p.m. when hubby, Mr. Steveroni, mentioned he would be occupied in the chat room, the next thing I knew I was going to the TSR site, signing up to be a member, and logging on ....totally unplanned...totally spontaneous. IMHO - A God nudge.

There were about 7 participants including our gracious host and the moderator. Some of my observations:

1. It was fast, fast, fast-paced.

2. It honed my brain cells - requring me to read, think, and type responses, statements or questions almost simultaneously.

3. The hour breezed by.

4. Everyone was supportive, encouraging, respecful, and at times serious - at other times playful.

5. I will chat again.

For me, this is pushing the envelope again. It was wonderful and my Higher Power never steers me wrong.

Prayer Girl

Sunday 7/5/09 - "I'M ANSWERING - DAY 5"

"I'M ANSWERING - DAY 5"

"REMEMBERING
JULY 4TH, 5TH, AND 6TH -
24 YEARS AGO "

My last story of this series describes the miracle of a second chance at life I was given when God intervened in the tortured life of an alcoholic and presented me the possibility of a positive and productive one.

I drank alcoholically for about three years and in that time I descended the escalator down into the depths of hell only a real alcoholic can understand. I was unable to halt the descent in any way. My life was totally unmanageable. I was unable to be the mother I needed to be, unable to hold a job, and lost interest in most of the things people enjoy in life. My life was a constant merry-go-round of drinking, recovering from drinking, thinking about never doing it again, thinking about doing it again, drinking again, recovering from.....over and over and over.

I did not really know what was wrong with me, but I sought help for my undefined misery through counseling, church, prayer groups at church, altar calls, doctors - all to no avail. I continued to drink and life got worse.

Finally, I found Alcoholics Anonymous and a sponsor, but the first six months were characterized by being able to put a few days together then I would drink. Then a few weeks here, a few there, maybe a month, but I always ended up taking a drink. I was trying the best I could, but some ingredient was missing. It turned out what was missing was total surrender. This slipping in and out of AA was total hell.

4th of July, 1985

This brings me to the 4th of July 24 years ago. I had put together just short of three months, but I still had the "yeah, buts" - yeah, but my husband this, and yeah, but my children that, and yeah, but the other thing.

That was why I was unable to say "no" to being in a slippery place with slippery people on the 4th of July. I had no business boating out to an island with my husband, kids, and another family. the adults were drinking, the children weren't, and me so proud that I didn't drink all day. But the fireworks came and went, the boat wouldn't start, the men were on the boat trying to get it started, the kids fell asleep on the beach, and I was sitting in the dark on a cooler of beer.

What happened next remains indelibly etched forever in my mind thank God. With no thought whatsoever, I stood up in the dark, opened the cooler lid, took out a beer, and began to drink it. I was totally defenseless against that first drink. I remember exactly what happened in my mind as I drank it. My mind said, "this is O.K. No problem. Go ahead." I did go ahead and I had set in motion that terrible obsession and compulsion to drink over which I am totally powerless. I drank till I fell into bed that night.

July 5th, 1985

I woke up hungover and knowing I had two choices - go to an AA meeting or go to the liquor store for what I really liked to drink - Vodka. The vicious allergy was in full bloom so liquor won. I drank all day, became totally drunk, and took my last drink of alcohol that day just before passing out.

July 6th, 1985

This day marks the moment of my miracle when I awoke as sick as I have ever been, but I woke up a completely different person than the one who passed out the night before. Despite the hopelessness of my situation, for some reason unknown to me, I had a tiny spark of hope. I don't know why. I don't know how other than God being the answer. I totally surrendered at that moment and looking back I know that I gave up and handed the mess of my life to God. I also realized in that moment of awaking that I was totally powerless over alcohol, alcohol was going to kill me if I drank again, knew I had no idea on my own how to stay sober, understood that it was the first drink that got me drunk, finally got what one-day-at-a-time meant, and I knew where to go for help. I dragged myself to a meeting. I made a vow to myself that I would not leave that meeting till I knew what to do that day. And that is exactly what I did. I have been living my life this same way - seeking God's guidance - everyday since then.

Thank you for sticking with me through this long story. What happened was a miracle and a blessing and I know you all have your own miracle stories. I pray my story will remind you of yours.

Prayer Girl

Saturday 7/4/09 - "I'M ANSWERING - DAY 4"

UPDATE: SUNDAY 7/5 8:00 A.M. - I'M CELEBRATING 24 YEARS SOBER AND WILL POST MY SUNDAY BLOG LATER TODAY. GOD HAS BLESSED ME AND I ASK GOD TO BLESS YOU TODAY. YESTERDAY IS HISTORY, TOMORROW NEVER ARRIVES, THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DAY OF MY LIFE!!!

"I'M ANSWERING - DAY 4"

On Wednesday I wrote that I would continue on Saturday with what I considered the biggest "I'm Answering" moment I have ever had - the day I got sober following my last drink - but I need to wait till Sunday to write it.

My "I'm Answering" story today happened on Saturday, December 2, 2006. Two incidents occurred on that day that changed my life and the way I look at life in a dramatic way.

The first one happened at an afternoon mass in our local catholic church. I had been attending this church with hubby for a few weeks and had been led to take communion.

This day as we sat through the beginning parts of the mass, I felt an intense urge to hold hubby's arthritic left hand in my hands. I had the idea in my head that his hand would be healed. (I can't say why I had this thought in my mind.) I felt nothing other than this nudging to hold on to him which I did. (I would not realize until a few days later that anything had happened.)

The second incident happened the evening of that same Saturday. I was one of eight girls at a poker party. One of the girls was not feeling well from the beginning of the evening. She said she had back pain. She also had been suffering bad allergies over the past few weeks and had forgotten to bring her inhaler with her. As the evening progressed her breathing became more and more difficult and I could hear her wheezing.

I was continuing to play my poker hands, but as time went by an incredibly strong urge began building inside of me in the form of a thought in my mind to go over (she was seated across the table from me) and put my hands on her back.

I was filled with fear. What if I did this and nothing happened? What would the others think of me? Despite these thoughts, my desire became stronger and stronger and finally so intense that I got up and went over and placed my hands on her back over her lungs.

Almost immediately her breathing became normal, she was shocked, and told me she experienced heat coming from my hands. She kept looking back at me, kept saying she didn't know what was happening and it was amazing and she was very grateful. Her chest loosened up and she was able to breathe again. She said she was close to tears. When I took my hands away she got up and hugged me.

She asked what I was doing (I didn't know) and I just said, "I'm putting my hands on you". Someone else asked if I was doing Reiki and I said, "no". I was laying hands on her. She also asked if my hands were always that hot and I told her I didn't know. I feel nothing. I still don't feel any heat myself even when sometimes people will say they're as hot as an oven.

I was walking on air, lifted up spiritually as though floating, and not really understanding what had just transpired. When I got home I told hubby what had happened. My life had changed in one day.

The following Monday night, hubby revealed something he had kept to himself since Saturday when I held his left hand in church. He told me there was heat engulfing his hand as I held it and the pain left. He waited several days of using his hand, practicing his violin, to be sure the pain did not return. It did not. He told me that up to that day the pain had been constant and had not been gone anytime in his recent memory. Now, it was completely gone.

I am grateful every moment for being willing to say, to God, "I'm Answering".

Peace and love to my wonderful blogging friends,
Prayer Girl

Friday 7/3/09 - "CHANGING IT UP"

When will her job be done?

When will the hatchlings appear?

FLASH NON-FICTION FRIDAY 55
Friday Flash 55 is a story
written in exactly 55 words.
Let the G-Man know if you write one
and read the ones of your fellow writers.

"CHANGING IT UP!"

"THE BOX" is on hold while "changing it up" from drama to nature.

A "Duckling Pool" is what I'm suggesting.

Be the first blogger to guess closest the date and time hatching will begin and win the "MOST INTO NATURE AWARD".

Send your guesses. I'll post the first hatching picture and name the award winner.

Prayer Girl
_________________

To better understand what this "Duckling Pool" is all about, see my blog "The Miracle of New Life" posted 6/9/09.

Thursday, 7/2/09 - "I'M ANSWERING - DAY 3"

(MYSTERIOUS MACHU PICCHU - MYSTERIOUS LIFE)

"I'M ANSWERING - DAY 3"

Continuing my stories:

Moving forward in time, this occurred in my mid 30s and probably about the time I crossed over the line into alcoholism and was drinking daily. At that time it was not causing me any problems. God was active in my life (though I didn't know it) even then.

I worked in a nursing home as a co-activities director and social worker. I loved working there and as I look back I know other miracles happened beside the one I'm describing here.

Once a year the State would conduct their annual inspection for State certification. Inspectors would arrive to look at every single piece of documentation, watch and speak to as many staff as possible, check thermometers in refrigerators, and generally set the entire place on edge with stress, nerves, and trepidation. I have worked in many careers that required oversight inspections and it is always the same, weeks spent burning the midnight oil to be sure all is in order before they arrive.

This story concerns the Assistant Director of Nursing (DON), a large and friendly lady and what happened between us in the lunch/break room the day of the inspection. About 4 hours into the inspection, I was in the break room when this nurse came in. We were alone and she was very upset, distraught, visibly nervous, shaken. I asked what was wrong and she told me the inspectors had found problems with the restraint records. Restraint records are extremely important and are documents that must be completed in perfect detail to document anytime a person has to be restrained, hands and/or feet for any reason. As Assistant DON, they were her responsibility. She told me how she feared for her job. The exit interview was scheduled for later that afternoon, she would be there, she was afraid of what they would say and what her bosses would do.

As in my story yesterday concerning the psychiatrist, I have no idea whatsoever where the words that came out of my mouth came from nor did I know why. I began to "tell a story" or "weave a daydream" for her. I painted a verbal picture for this lady. I asked her how she would feel if she was in a room full of people - inspectors, bosses, coworkers, and they were all praising her. I went on and on and she visibly began to relax. She, of course, laughed and said, "No way"! We then both went our separate ways.

Later that afternoon, I heard my name over the pager system and went to a phone. When I answered, this nurse immediately said to me, "What are you? A witch?" I was stunned, said no, and asked why she said that. She said that the exit interview had just been completed and during the discussion, the inspectors singled her out in front of her bosses and coworkers and praised her for her disaster plans which were also her responsibility.
I WILL NEVER FORGET.
God did that, not me.
_____________________
On Saturday I will continue with what I consider the biggest "I'm Answering" moment I have ever had - the day I got sober - and then one more in recent years.

Till then - love and peace,
Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: Mysterious Machu Picchu by Martin Voet)