Thursday, October 16, 2008



"More important, I came to believe that I cannot do this alone. From childhood, despite the love I experienced, I had never let people, even those closest to me, inside my life. All my life I had lived the deepest of lies, not sharing with anyone my true thoughts and feelings.
(This quote comes from p. 451 of the BB story
"He Lived Only to Drink".)


As a child I was hell-bent on making sure that no one would ever know what I was really thinking and that they would never ever know what I was feeling. I guarded with the greatest care my mind and any possibility of what was in it from getting out.

This was not an easy task. Needing people yet needing so desperately to stay hidden from them created an overwhelming conflict within me - one I could not deal with.

I did such a complete job of hiding from you that I ended up hiding from myself as well. Over the years I ended up not knowing what I was thinking or feeling. The result of all this running and hiding was that I needed an escape valve and found it in the bottle. Over a not too long period of time, that nearly killed me.

My ascent up from this pit of loneliness and horror began with one person reaching out their hand to me while I was still in my active addiction. A nurse (in AA at the time) where I worked came into my office, shut the door, and stood there explaining to me the negative long-term effects of alcohol on my body. I remember saying not a word, trying not to hear what she was saying, but I know I did hear.

Next - I found myself at my first AA meeting where ladies were kind to me and gave me phone numbers. (Not alone any more.) But, I was in a daze and comprehended little. I did not use those numbers. I had a little further down to go.

I eventually came to believe that I truly could not do it alone. Day after day I could not resist the lure of alcohol. I could not go 24 hours without a drink. Finally, I returned to that first meeting I had gone to and asked a girl to help me (she became my sponsor). She said she would. She told me to call her every time I thought of a drink. I called that woman all day long - at her home, at her work, all day, over and over.

A miracle happened. I actually went a whole day without a drink.....the first time that had happened in 3 years. Alone, I could not do it - with her help, I could.

As long as I stayed with you in Alcoholics Anonymous, I progressed up the path of recovery. I have never been without you since that time. I slipped and slid a few times in those first few months, but you never deserted me and I was never alone again.

Thank God I will never be on my own again. I have you all: my sponsors over the years, my AA friends and mentors, my sponsees over the years, my new blogger friends, everyone who has supported me in my quest for sobriety and emotional health. God has brought the beauty of relationship into my life and for that I am forever grateful.



J-Online said...

I've always prided myself on being one of those people who could do EVERYTHING ALONE. Oh how sadly mistaken I was when it came to addiction. Now I know I need people. This was a hard concept at first, but one I'm learning to appreciate.

~Tyra~ said...

When I came into the rooms of AA I had isolated myself so badly that I was afraid of people. It was awful. Even though I was afraid, I was so happy to realize I was not alone anymore. I love that.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

I so understand this post! I was too someone who from a young age prided myself on being self-reliant (that's what I called it) until it really did turn on me and by the time I was 35 I realized I was creating a life alone and no connections/community to others, AA is still giving me the tools to reach out, to be seen and to be there! Thank you for this post!

Progress, Not Perfection said...

I find it comforting that I can relate so completely with your post. I am a recovering ACOA and it humbles me everyday to hear the similarities in addiction... whether it be with alcohol, drugs, or another person.

It is even more comforting to know that I am not alone. Thank you.

Peace and Serenity.

Faith said...

Hi! Thanks for the comment! I look forward to getting to know you!

Akannie said...

We are so blessed....

Thanks for the reminders.

Zanejabbers said...

Cool Post. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

You forgot to add all the patients that you will be ministering to at the hospital. You need them and they need you...

pat said...

Love the picture.