Tuesday 10/13/09 - "QUIZZICAL"

"QUIZZICAL"

(puzzlement, questioning)

"Who me? An alcoholic?"
"Let's see, am I really an alcoholic?"
"Uh, I'm not really sure I'm an alcoholic!"
"I don't really think I'm actually an 'alcoholic'."
"I can't be an alcoholic, can I?"
"No way I'm an alcoholic!"

These are just a few of the statements and questions I hear from people who:
look like a duck
quack like a duck
and
walk like a duck- -
BUT don't think they are a duck.
(DUCK = ALCOHOLIC)

What these statements really mean are:
"I don't want to be an alcoholic."
"I don't accept that I am an alcoholic."
"I don't approve of the fact that I'm alcoholic."
"OMG, you mean I won't be able to drink again?"
Etc., etc., etc.

I guess this is no surprise considering that alcoholism is a 'disease of denial' and that it is the only disease that tells us we don't have a disease. Heaven help the alcoholic whose life is being destroyed by their own insane thinking, emotions, and behaviors (as well as the destruction of lives of those close to them) and are unable to see themselves.

In my case, denial took the form of a totally blank mind. I did not process anything said that included the words alcohol, alcoholism, drinking, how many drinks, or anything along those lines. I simply didn't respond, didn't answer, or made up words that came out of my mouth.

When we read in meetings from "How it Works" in our Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous", p. 60, it says:
"Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought."

I believe God can and does use people and circumstances to help wake people up from their denial, but ultimately it is God alone who gives the gift that allows a person to finally wake up to the truth. It is the truth in the statement, "Yes, I really am an alcoholic" that sets us free.

My prayer is that those still living in the darkness of denial will seek God. God can and does relieve alcoholism.

Prayer Girl

Thursday 7/16/09 - "FAITH IN PRAYER"

"FAITH IN PRAYER"

I sometimes wonder how many people were praying for me at the end of my drinking. No one ever actually told me that they were, but I feel very certain that it was happening. My parents did not know I was an alcoholic until the day I hit my bottom and called them for help, but before then I did call them at times "crying in my vodka", whether they knew it or not.

I would be in that terrible self-pitying place where everything was my ex-husband's fault. I had not a clue that my alcoholism was making it impossible for me to cope with life's problems and find healthy solutions. I feel certain my mother and father were praying for me without knowing exactly what the problem was.

I can remember being in Bible study groups on Sunday mornings, hung over. Maybe some of those people recognized what they were seeing. I sure didn't. And perhaps some of them were praying for me.

When I had a crisis with my drinking, I was in pastoral counseling with a wonderful minister in my church who kept telling me he would meet with me anytime, but gently added that things would not get better in my life till I stopped drinking. At that point, I just couldn't stop, just didn't stop, but he kept seeing me and I will never forget the love and kindness he gave me. I'm sure he was praying for me. And thank God the day came when I did stop.

Today, I have faith that there were prayers being said for me and I know that God answered them. I have faith that prayers are heard. I say many prayers. There are many people who need them. It is my great privilege to give what I feel sure was given to me.

_______________________________
FAITH:
Strong belief in something, especially without proof.
_______________________________

From "Relentless" by D. Koontz, p. 150
"Among other things, my past had taught me that the very fact of my existence is a cause for amazement and wonder, that we must seize life because we never know how much of it remains for us, that faith is the antidote to despair and that laughter is the music of faith." (italics are mine)
_______________________________
FROM "ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS" - OUR BIG BOOK

"Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish." (p. 16, lines 12-13)

"When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did." (p. 52, lines 24-27)

"For faith in a Power greater than ourselves, and miraculous demonstrations of that power in human lives, are facts as old as man himself.

We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend. Sometimes we had to search fearlessly, but He was there. He was as much a fact as we were. We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found. It was so with us." (p. 55, lines 13-22)

"The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear." (p. 68, lines 21-27)

"...be an example of the truth that faith alone is insufficient. To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action." (p. 93, lines 24-26)

FAITH, PRAYER, ACTION - A recipe for recovery!

Prayer Girl

Monday 6/8/09 - THAT "AHA" MOMENT

THAT "AHA" MOMENT

I can't count or even remember now all the "AHA" moments I have had since getting sober, but they are many. I also know that almost everyone who has been sober for any length of time has experienced them. These moments of revelation have a way of bringing the goose bumps (also called "God bumps") up all over me.

My latest "AHA" moment came as a result of something I read coupled with some things I heard people say and my own experiences to date and all of a sudden - voila - I had a realization. This latest one was a sudden awareness that my spiritual and other gifts have been within me for a very long time, but I was unable to recognize them. They were buried under years of character defects - fear, envy, jealousy, lack of self-confidence to name only a few.

Through the grace of God I was brought to my knees by alcoholism and He brought me to Alcoholics Anonymous and later to Al-Anon. It is there that I discovered the truth about myself. I became able to see my shortcomings by working the 12 steps, sharing myself with trusted AA and Al-Anon friends, attending meetings, and the practice of prayer and meditation.

What I found beneath all that negativity and self loathing were the beautiful gifts God had given me from the beginning that I had lost. This discovery has not been a short trip, but a very long one arriving at that "AHA" moment.

As beautiful as my "AHA" moments are, even more wonderful is the joy of playing a part in such a moment of a sponsee or other loved one. Being in conversation with someone and suddenly seeing the awe and wonder in their eyes, watching their face light up as they experience their own moment when the "light bulb comes on" is priceless .

I had such a moment recently when I was meeting with a brand new person in Alcoholics Anonymous who was having difficulty identifying her powerlessness over alcohol. I was listening to everything she was telling me about recent events in her life. At the time we were reading from the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous", in "The Doctor's Opinion", p. xxvi:

"They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery."

I pointed out something she had just said, this reading, and the consequences of her drinking and suddenly she "saw the light" and she understood what had been hidden from her understanding just a moment before. She could see how she was powerless when she took a drink.

This is God in action. It is humbling to be used by God to bring someone out of darkness and into light in such an "AHA" instant. Truly priceless!

It just doesn't get much better than that. Thank you God.

Prayer Girl

Saturday, 3/7/09 - "A GRATEFUL SMILE"

"A GRATEFUL SMILE"

Friday night:
A grateful smile is on my face tonight. Today has been a beautiful day full of wonderful moments orchestrated by God.

I am grateful for an early morning change in plans that allowed me to leisurely enjoy my morning.

I'm grateful for another change in plans that took me to a noon AA meeting instead of the noon Al-Anon meeting I usually attend. At this AA meeting I sat next to a woman I see rarely, sometimes only once a year. We were able to catch up.

I'm grateful that Chapter 3, "More About Alcoholism", from our Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous", was read and discussed at that Big Book meeting.

I am grateful to have been reminded of the many parts of that chapter I so completely identify with such as the description of many female alcoholics who when they begin drinking alcoholically are often gone beyond recall in just a few years. (I was gone in about four.) Also, the story of the jay-walker that I could relate to and understand from the first time I read it.

I am grateful to have been motivated to go to the gym and was able to put in a strenuous hour of exercise.

I am grateful that I was able to make a vanilla latte at home. My son had shown me how to use my machine at Christmas, but this was the first time I tried it on my own. It will take a little more work, but it wasn't bad for a first try.

I am grateful that I am calm, at peace, and feeling satisfied today.

I am grateful that I still have time right now (10:15 p.m.) to do my readings and writing that I had decided I would do daily during Lent.

I am grateful that I sleep well and look forward to a restful sleep tonight.

I am grateful that I had the opportunity to speak with many of my sponsees today. Each is a blessing beyond all measure.

I am grateful that I have an outing with hubby planned for tomorrow. We're "riding" (his Bergman and my Morpheus) out to Ave Maria where we'll have a bite to eat and go to mass in the beautiful oratory right in the center of town.

I am grateful that I am a sober member of AA and a member of Al-Anon.

I am grateful that with God's help I had enough honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness to become a winner in life - finding and sticking with AA - and then discovering Al-Anon and becoming what is termed "a double winner".

I am grateful that I have been able to write a blog the last few days.

I am grateful that they are read. God bless you readers.

I am grateful that my children are all safe and happy.

I am grateful that the weather is still absolutely perfect here. They call where I live 'Paradise' and today it surely is just that.

I am grateful for a proper outlook on life today and that I am not in a panic over the state of the financial world.

I am grateful that I believe in the power of prayer.

I am grateful for you bloggers.

Prayer Girl