Monday 12/8 - THESE ARE TRUE - - HONEST!

"THESE ARE TRUE - - HONEST!"
(Thanks to Findon and Kathy Lynne)

Here are the rules:
List 10 honest things about myself
Pass the award on to 7 bloggers (I'm skipping this part)

10 Honest Things About Me - - HONEST!

1. I was pigeon-toed as a child. This led to - as a young child having to sleep with my feet in shoes pointed outward affixed to a bar, having to walk a pattern around the rug in our dining room with my feet pointing outward for a specific amount of time each day, having to wear corrective shoes that I thought looked like boys shoes, and the elementary school kids making fun of my feet.
   
2. AFTER ALL THAT - I danced - ballet, tap, and jazz for ~15 years. Dancing naturally corrected my pigeon-toes.
   
3. I don't always follow the rules as I "should" - like not passing this award on to 7 bloggers.
   
4. I have always had a persistent (compulsive?) thought - when I'm away on vacation or away from my house for a long time, as I drive down the street on my return, I hold my breath fearing that my first sight of my home will be that it has burned to the ground. I haven't figured out where this strange thought originated and it lessens as time goes by.
5. I dreamed my own death. I have always heard that if you dream your own death you'll die. This is not true. I am living proof. It was a beautiful gift.
   
6. At least two supernatural events occurred between me and other people I did not know very well when I was in my 20s. These events have never left me and were in some strange way, a comfort during the years I was "hitting my bottom", trying to get sober, and actually getting sober.
7. God has given me the gift of a "healing touch".
8. When my son was very young, around 5, we often used to know each others thoughts.
9. I honestly believe God orchestrated my meeting, falling in love with, and marrying my husband, steveroni.
10. I loathe, hate, and despise the phone ringing in the middle of the night - adrenalin shoots through me and I am filled with fear.

Love you all - HONEST!,
Prayer Girl

Sunday 12/7 - CHOOSING WITH FAITH

(My scooter)

"CHOOSING WITH FAITH"

"To choose what is difficult all one's day, as if it were easy, that is faith." - W.H. Auden

Faith has allowed me the freedom from fear necessary to choose the more difficult path. The day I got sober for good, enough fear was replaced with just enough faith to allow me to begin to make the choices I had been unable and unwilling to make. The consequence of constantly failing to make the hard choices was my getting drunk. Prior to that day, I was seldom able to make the difficult choice, relying instead on the "easier, softer way". That way led to near destruction.

Being able to choose the difficult AS IF IT WERE EASY - that is another story - a goal I aspire to. As the years go by, these difficult decisions and actions become easier as my faith grows.

Chronologically, here are some of the difficult choices I have made as a result of a growing faith:
Admitted my complete powerlessness over alcohol
Admitted I would die if I continued to drink
Went to treatment for my alcoholism
Allowed professionals to treat my chronic depression
Divorce
Not drinking "no matter what"!
Wrote a Grant for funds and submitted to the State of Florida
Made presentations of grant results to a State committee
Led training sessions for large and small groups of people
Made presentations at professional conferences
Allowed God to use me to help total strangers
Retired
Shared my poems
Attended RCIA and became Catholic
Bought a motor scooter when I didn't know how to ride
Learned to ride a motor scooter
Ride a motor scooter all around town
Became a hospital pastoral care assistant
Began blogging

I did all these things despite great fear. I still have fear - fear of failure, fear of what you will think of me, fear of being embarrassed, all kinds of fear, but the fears lessen as time goes by. The fear lessens as my faith in God grows.

What are some of the difficult choices you have been able to make through faith?

Prayer Girl

Saturday 12/6 - CYCLE UPDATE-COMING IN FOR A LANDING!

"CYCLE UPDATE - COMING IN
FOR A LANDING!"

Time for an update on my abilities on my cycle. This guy in the picture looks to me like he's having a slightly lopsided, clumsy landing. About a month ago, my landings (coming to a stop at a stop sign, red light, anywhere) still looked this way too often and I'd been riding about three months.

Practice, practice, practice - riding every day is finally beginning to pay off. Most times I am now coming in for smoother landings. I've got a better grasp of the brake speed, balance, distance, and the timing of point of contact - feet to ground.

Slow turns are getting better too. Not only was I having trouble coming to a stop, but pulling into parking spaces was a challenge. That's improving as well.

My entire riding experience seems a parallel in some ways with the course of my sobriety and the changes that have occurred in my thinking and behavior. Both take lots of repetition. Life now feels more like a smooth landing than a bumpy, jerky, uncomfortable set of happenings. The biggest difference is that the changes in my cycle abilities happened relatively quickly compared to the very slow changes to life as a sober woman.

Practice, practice, practice - of the program: the steps, the slogans, meetings, service, sponsorship: being sponsored and sponsoring, principles - honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, opportunities to behave in new and healthy ways, and the development of a God-consciousness have led to this life worth living filled with serenity and peace of mind more often than not.

What will be next? I'll let you know when God lets me know. -Grin-

Prayer Girl

Friday 12/5 - DR. JUNG - MY HERO!

"DR. JUNG - MY HERO!"

"The afternoon of human life must also have a significance of its own and cannot be merely a pitiful appendage to life's morning." - Carl Gustav Jung

I love Carl Jung. He was a famous psychiatrist who not only knew a lot about life and people, but gave hope to otherwise hopeless alcoholics.

I am in the afternoon of my life (maybe the dusk -grin-). My sobriety, Alcoholics Anonymous, steps 10, 11, and 12 have made it possible for me to find the most significant moments of my existence at these "beyond the midpoint" days of my life.

My life's morning was filled with a lot of "bad thinking, bad behavior, and misery". I'm so grateful I have made it to the afternoon of life and it isn't a pitiful appendage - it is a vibrant and full life of its own. Hallelujah!

In our Big Book - "Alcoholics Anonymous", p. 27, a description is written of Dr. Jung trying to help an alcoholic (Bill W.) he eventually came to label as "utterly hopeless". The doctor told this alcoholic that he had the mind of a chronic alcoholic worse than any he had ever seen and had never seen anyone in that state recover. The man asked if there were any exceptions, was there any hope at all?

Dr. Jung responded, "there is. Exceptions to cases such as yours have been occurring since early times. Here and there, once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them. In fact, I have been trying to produce some such emotional rearrangement within you. With many individuals the methods which I employed are successful, but I have never been successful with an alcoholic of your description."

This man had a vital spiritual experience, was relieved of his alcoholism, and became a free man.

As for me, after slipping and sliding in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous for maybe six months, I woke up from what was to be my last drunk, with a completely different set of ideas, emotions, and attitudes than the ones I held when I passed out the night before. I had what turned out to be a vital spiritual experience. I had passed out and come awake hundreds of times before, but this time was different. Some complement of God's will and my cooperation took place.

I awoke surrendered, knowing that somehow all would be O.K., I understood that alcohol would kill me, I understood what it meant by "it's the first drink that gets you drunk", I had an understanding of "one-day-at-a-time", and there was a kernel of hope present. I was sick as a dog. (It does get worse even when you are not drinking. I had almost 3 months sober when I drank for the last time.)

There was absolutely "no reason" for me to have this changed attitude, yet there it was. I still call it a miracle.

Love you all,
Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: Jessica Jenney)

Thursday, 12/4 - DECEMBER CANDLE

"DECEMBER CANDLE"

(From "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon", December 1)

"Throughout this month, which brings us to the closing of another year, I will review the happenings of my life as though I were standing just a little way off trying to see myself as another person.

Have I made progress in my effort to correct my faulty attitudes? Have I let discouragement plunge me back into my old habit patterns? When something I did had consequences that made life difficult for me, did I try to blame someone else?

How has Al-Anon helped me to realize some of my potential as a person?"
_________________________
What a wonderful idea - taking an inventory of the past year. It is hard to see myself - easy to see others. I'll use this suggestion of trying to see myself as if I were someone else.

Looking back, one thing is for sure - nothing remains the same - everything changes. Seeing the past, the greatest challenge I faced in 2008 - a return to earth - affected my mood, my attitudes, and my interactions with others.

At the end of last year (2007) and all the way through Easter, I was on an extreme "spiritual high". I was involved in the RCIA (Rites of Christian Initiation for Adults) and became Catholic in a beautiful ceremony on the night before Easter.

As the months of summer passed one after another, God gradually brought me down from this "high". It was very difficult. I love being "high" without the use of any chemical, food, or action other than just loving and honoring God. I NEVER wanted to come down. But, this super high eventually had to begin it's journey back to earth - despite me.

In the Big Book of "Alcoholics Anonymous", p. 130, it says, "....a growing consciousness of the power of God in our lives. We have come to believe He would like us to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth. That is where our fellow travelers are, and that is where our work must be done."

This quote speaks volumes to me and reassures me that I'm O.K. My head was too high in the clouds, my feet were lifting off ground, and I needed to come back down. But, I didn't want to crash and end up depressed.

I have had to rely heavily on God and all that I have learned in Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. It has been a real lesson in acceptance. I have found peace of mind and serenity in that act of accepting my "coming down".

I made a decision on July 5, 1985 to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him. As best as I'm able, I haven't taken it back. It has been a real lesson in humility to be satisfied with the state of my spiritual height or depth. Peace of mind and serenity are the result of my acceptance. Priceless gifts.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: Evy Johansen)

Wednesday 12/3 - SLEEP

"SLEEP"

COME SOFTLY WITH ME

On that brink - that borderland called sleep
Sense the swaying sweep round the tunnel's edge

Now mind's eye open, yet lids shuttered
Feel the folds and furrows of your fingertips

Now, slowly roll, gently press, delicate contact
There! - It's there! - Tiny, small, warm. Feel it?

Like a baby's cheek, a lover's smile, a tender stroke
Soft, smooth, silky to touch

It seems in the tips like a seed
A delicate pearl of a pebble - a mustard seed

And where are you?
All that's left is the simple, glowing sphere

Watch yourself enswirl
Your head down one with neck
Your feet up one with knees

Flow with it

Your neck with chest
Your knees with hips

Be a fluid stream

Your chest and hips collapse in and down and round
Into source with all luminous lights
To a seed - enshelled one with all
Prayer Girl

Tuesday, 12/2 - WHY?

"WHY?"

Last week at the hospital I visited with a 94 year old woman who in the course of our conversation asked me, "Why am I still here?". She said, "I'm outliving my money." Today, another lady of 92 years asked the same question, "Why am I still here?"

Both women asked these questions in a rhetorical fashion, not really expecting an answer, but expressing puzzlement with why their lives kept going on and on. Both women expressed the idea that they had led good and fulfilling lives and though they didn't say it, it was clear to me, they felt "ready to go".

Several days ago, I was directed by Big Jen to a site that provided an informative and very personal video of the life of people with CF - Cystic Fibrosis - an inherited disease of the mucus and sweat glands that affects the lungs, and other internal organs. It shortens and severely restricts the life of innocent young people. Why? Why are some people born with such a crippling disease?

In Alcoholics Anonymous, in Alanon, in life, I have heard questions such as, "Why am I an alcoholic?", "Why was I abused?", "Why did I have to suffer so much?", "Why were my parents taken from me at such a young age?"

I have no answers. However, in considering the questions, I am reminded of "powerlessness". I know that we alcoholics are powerless over alcohol. People are powerless over a lot of things that happen to them in this life.

I also remember the words of my parish priest when I was on a spiritual search for understanding about a year ago. What he told me applies to lots of these situations. He told me the following:

God has His purposes.
God's purposes are none of my business.
I will not understand His purposes.
DON'T LIMIT GOD.

I do not know the mind of God, but I do believe He is loving and cares about us. I became convinced of this when He gave me the gift of sobriety.

Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: Healing Light by Free Spirit Iris)