WONDER AND AWE

(The title of this picture is "Wonderment" with credit to: Jennifer Alder)

"WONDER AND AWE"

I have been thinking about the wonder and awe of certain moments. I'm probably in this mode because today, I went to the wedding of a young person (a friend of my daughter's). My daughter was the "maid of honor" and there was also a "matron of honor" (the bride's sister). I didn't realize this would happen, but tears of joy and just plain overpowering emotion hit me as the ceremony began. Luckily, Alkyseltzer, had brought two handkerchiefs and gave me one of them. (My few Kleenex were never going to be sufficient.)

It was a beautiful Catholic ceremony with "ALL the extras" - lighting of the candles by both mothers and then the lighting of the one candle by the bride and groom, roses for Mary, coins, and a mass. I felt such a sense of wonder and awe at the love and joy expressed in the sacrament of marriage and the love radiating from the faces of the wedding couple, parents, the bridesmaids, groomsmen, and the guests.

As we were going home, I was wishing and praying for the best for this young couple. The odds are so lousy when it comes to marriages that last in our current cultural climate. But some do. My parents were married over 60 years and only death ended it. My current marriage was one made in heaven and will also last. So, even though the odds may not be so good, I know that I can pray, trust, and have faith that their love and commitment will see them through the good and bad times.

These musings very naturally brought me to the thought of the newly sober. What wonder and awe I feel whenever someone beats the odds (even worse than for marriages staying together) and gets sober. It is a true miracle. And I know that even though those odds are terrible, many do stay sober. God bless them. (And God bless those who don't too!)

When I was in treatment, I remember our counselor telling my group (about 20 of us) that the odds of our staying sober weren't good. She told us "maybe" one of us "might" be able to do that. I remember, at that very moment, looking around at the people in that group who I had come to know and love and feeling a deep sorrow for them because I "knew" that I would be the one to stay sober. This was not a prideful idea on my part. I was beaten into total submission at that point. My scorecard was at minus zero. No - it was an intuitive thought placed there by God. Another moment in time that I have never forgotten and never will.

There are so many other things that fill me with the feeling of wonder and awe such as the birth of a baby, many sights of nature, being on a gigantic ship in the middle of the Caribbean looking out at the endless expanse of water, sky and clouds. I am thankful today that I am able to feel wonder and awe, that I am able to see these marvelous things, focus on them, and appreciate what God has given me (us).

Prayer Girl

A PRAYER FROM PRAYER GIRL

"A PRAYER FROM PRAYER GIRL"

Dear God, I need your help right now. We need to talk. I'm sitting here in my comfy computer chair and there is a chair next to and facing me. You're there.

I know you already know everything that happened today - all the details of the lives of the people I met and spoke with and how I tried to help.

I spoke with three people today. They were each in varying states of confusion. They were experiencing frustration, anxiety, anger, self-loathing, and depression. Each one of these people is in recovery, serious about their recovery and doing everything suggested to them. They are just trying to understand, trying to get better.

One is desperately trying to learn how to set boundaries with others. Another is trying to see the truth about the nature of her relationships with others. The third person is struggling with feelings of inferiority and guilt. She has had some surgery and is particularly vulnerable at this time. She wants to protect her sobriety.

I shared my experience, strength, and hope with each of them as best I knew how. I remember how long it took for my own confusions to lift. I also remember how deeply I wanted things to become clear quicker than was possible. I tried to convey this to these three people. I tried to impart "hope" to them. I really need your help doing this. I have faith that with your help I can help them. I'm praying You will bring peace to their confused minds.

I remember an experience I had once in my first year of sobriety. I was so very confused myself and had such wild mood swings. I was having a really difficult time coping with life in general. I was in the throes of a divorce, had a new job, had two children to care for, went to lots of meetings, was struggling with a crippling depression, and was seeing a counselor. Things were not easy, but my primary goal was to stay sober "no matter what".

It's been too long ago for me to remember the exact nature of what had me so upset and confused one night and I think I didn't actually know then what was bothering me, but I was running in a rat race circle in my mind and was beside myself with anxiety. I was on my way with my small daughter to meet with my girl friends and their small children at McDonald's. That's all we could afford at that time and we would talk while the children played in the play area.

I felt desperate for some kind of relief (not the drinking kind) and on the way to meet them, the idea came into my mind to pray to God to help me when I got in bed that night. That thought was so powerful at that moment that I couldn't wait for the evening to be over, to get home, get my daughter into bed, and hit my bed to pray. (This happened 23 years ago and I still remember how powerful the experience was.)

I remember begging God to relieve me of my confusion and mental anguish. I also remember telling God that I didn't even know how to pray because I didn't really know what was wrong. I was just so totally confused. I also remember saying that I trusted and knew that God knew what was wrong with me even if I didn't and that I believed He could and would relieve me. I fell into a deep sleep and "swear to God", the next morning when I awoke, the confusion was gone. Completely erased. I consider this yet another miracle.

So.....I am asking God to relieve these three people I was trying to help of their mental confusion. Each of them is no more sure of what is really bothering them than I was all those years ago. I trust God can ease their suffering and I am thanking you God for doing just that.

Amen,
Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: Stephanie Dietz)

THE GARDEN OF HOPE AND COURAGE

(The Garden of Hope and Courage)

"THE GARDEN OF HOPE
AND COURAGE"

After my cruise, I decided it was about time I got back to some serious exercise. Not my favorite thing to do, but whenever I do, I always feel good about it.

As a volunteer at our hospital, I get a discount at their "Wellness Center" - a beautiful facility with a pool, massage rooms, all kinds of equipment and classes. I had to have a certain form signed before I could set up my enrollment. (Isn't there always another form to be signed?) And of course, I had to wait for the lady who needed to sign it as she was in conference.

This forced me to "slow down" and "wait" - yikes - I hate doing both of those. While I was waiting I took a walk around and sat in "The Garden of Hope and Courage" situated on the grounds of this hospital.

This is an oasis from the pain, fear and suffering that usually accompanies a hospital stay. Depending upon their condition, some patients as well as family members and staff are often found enjoying this garden. It is a haven in which one can recharge the spirit with - as it is so aptly named - hope and courage.

A tranquil lake is the center point with a concrete walkway forming an outline around the water. Huge banyan trees, exotic flowers, ferns, trees and other plants are in abundance. There are also bricked walking areas off to the sides of the path with sculptures, benches, quiet areas for solitude and prayer. Bridges cross over the water at various points as one walks around the perimeter.

There is a children's garden with statues of a large turtle, little children crossing a brook and pint-sized picnic tables. It's magical. So very inviting! There is a ceremonial pavilion named "The Tommy Bahama Pavilion".

God is HERE. I see and feel His nearness in the wind-ruffled leaves and the wisps of my hair being gently blown across my cheek.

Sweet peace. Sweet God.

Prayer Girl

a - b - c

(Mr. Kitty waking up in "his" jungle!)

a - b - c

(From "Alcoholics Anonymous", p. 60)

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

(a) I was a hopeless alcoholic and could not manage my own life. I couldn't manage to stay sober more than a few minutes after I was recovered from the last drunk. I would swear not to drink again - feeling so sick - but as soon as I began to feel the slightest bit better, I would be pouring it in again.

(b) No human power could relieve my alcoholism. I went searching many places for someone to "fix" me and many people tried. The church prayer group couldn't help me. The ministers, doctors, counselors, psychiatrists, friends, family - none could relieve my misery.

(c) God could and He did when I sought Him.

This happened when I woke up from my last drunk. When I was close to three months sober, I went with slippery people to a slippery place. It was the Fourth of July and I went with my husband and adult friends who were drinking to an island off the coast of Florida. (I couldn't drive home or call a cab to take me home.) The fireworks were over, the boat broke down, the children were all asleep on the beach and the adults were on the boat trying to get it started.

And where was I? Sitting all alone in the dark on a cooler of beer. What happened? All thoughts of AA or not drinking disappeared from my mind, (I was without a spiritual defense.) I stood up, opened the cooler, took out a beer and drank it. I remember to this day what happened when I took that first sip - my mind did an about-face and said, "This is O.K. No problem drinking this beer." From that moment on, I had to have another and another. The next day I woke up to either drag myself to a meeting or go get my drink of choice, vodka. The vodka won out. I drank myself into oblivion. (This was my last drink - July 5, 1985.)

The next day, I awoke a different person than the one who had passed out the day before. In that instant upon awakening, I knew where to find my answers - God made Himself known to me through the members of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I had always believed in God, but was unable to make the necessary connection with Him. AA showed me how. I got a sponsor, stuck with the AA women winners, worked the steps, prayed, followed directions. In this way, my relationship with my Higher Power, God, was formed.

Today, I am able to connect directly with God and He also continues to make Himself known to me through my fellow Alcoholics Anonymous recovering friends including you bloggers.

Prayer Girl

AWARD TIME!

AWARD TIME!

Thank you Child Lost for the award - and thank you for the kind words.

Linking my name with the word "hope" is truly a miracle and a gift from my God. As I commented on your blog - this is an amazing thing - considering I was depressed and had suicidal thinking for over 30 years.
WOW! Thank you God!

I decided to "go with the program" and try to choose six other bloggers to pass this award along to........very difficult because I love all the blogs I follow - that's why I follow them.

Shadow - (I guess this means you are getting two awards, but I didn't see anything in the directions that said I couldn't do it.) I always love the pictures, the poetry, the thoughts, the emotion expressed in your blog. It's funny how even though I have never met you and really don't know you, I feel that I am coming to know your "spirit" through what you write. And a beautiful spirit it is.

Lou - I so relate to everything you write. Kindred spirits in many ways is how I react to the things you express. You always connect with my "inner mother". I hope you understand what I mean by that. Love you Lou!

Jenn - You are an inspiration to me. I identify with your struggles. I relate with your situation. No matter what is happening you "keep on keeping on". I have watched you ask for help, be open to suggestions, follow directions, work the program as best you can, and I share your successes. KUTGW

Syd - I "ALWAYS" really "get" your blogs. They always speak to me in such a clear, precise way. I love Alanon and can't believe how much it has expanded my growth. I am forever grateful God led me there and I am grateful for your insights.

ZaneJabbers - You are always so completely honest and no nonsense. I love that. You always keep things simple when it comes to not drinking. Great reminders for all alcoholics. I also always love your gratefulness.

Alkyseltzer - (Some may say this is not fair since there is a connection beyond blog-reader here, but I didn't see anything banning this in the award directions.) I am amazed at Alky's insights, humor, and ability to convey recovery in the words he writes, and lots more. Love the blog-a-roni!

IF I HAD ALL NIGHT, I WOULD JUST BREAK ALL THE RULES
(the only one I actually know about is passing it on to six bloggers)
AND TAG ALL OF YOU.

Prayer Girl

BACK TO REALITY

BACK TO REALITY

It's not easy getting back to reality. Just look at that ship! I had taken a tender onto an island where I had an opportunity to listen to island music, eat "again", and swim in the Caribbean. I was out in the water, camera over my head in order to get this shot from this perspective. I just love it - loved the ship, loved the water, loved the beautiful day, love this picture.

Mr. Kitty was more than happy to be home. He has been roaming his "jungle" - our screened lanai has an outer portion that has a screened roof area where plants grow below. Kitty loves to prowl what he considers his personal jungle.

Kitty got the first bath he's ever had while he was boarded. He was at the Cat Care Clinic - they take care of only cats. They understand them. He's much happier there than when I used to take him where I also used to board our dogs. I have had cats that I could wash, but Mr. Kitty isn't one of them. Well, now he feels and smells so nice. He even struts around with his head higher as if he's saying, "Hey, look at me - I'm hot stuff".

My 4 hours at the hospital was 100% in God's control. It's pretty amazing - having absolutely no idea as I enter a room what God may want to accomplish. I find the more I keep in mind that what happens is all about God and zero about me, the better it goes.

Went to a 5:30 meeting. Alkyseltzer and I rode our cycles. I love the cooler air fall is finally bringing. I hadn't been on my scooter for over a week, was a little nervous (especially since I'm still swaying a little), but all went well and I had no problems. The meeting was a beginner meeting and the after the meeting fellowship consisted of a potluck meal together. A wonderful time was had by all.

I'M "BAC" AND I'LL BE "BAC"

I'M "BAC" FROM CRUISING
AND I'LL BE "BAC" WITH
MORE POST LATER

Hello, hello, hello friends & bloggers,

I'm "bac" from my cruise and I'm still swaying. The insides feel like I'm still on a BIG SHIP. First time in over 23 years that I have weaved when I walk.

Yesterday when we returned it was unpacking, napping, and organizing time for me.

I'm off to pick up Mr. Kitty who has been boarded about 10 days. I'm pretty sure he's anxious to come home.

Then I'm off to "pastoral care". I just wanted you to know I'm here. I'll add to this and post a blog later today.

I thought about you all while I was gone - that is when I wasn't eating, going to shows, watching the waves, attending meetings on-board, etc. -Grin-

Love you,
Prayer Girl

8:00 P.M.

I'm going to just blog the rest of my day tomorrow.
See you then.