Monday, September 22, 2008

Tuesday, September 23, 2008-UNNAMED FEARS

Why do ducks sometimes stand on one leg?
(See answer after first paragraph)

Unnamed fears

Before sobriety I prefered to leave my fears unnamed - that was just fine with me - If I didn't name them, they didn't exist. That was my brand of thinking, living in a total world of denial. The problem was - this left me totally incapable of finding any solutions. Who needed solutions when there were no problems? Just like when I was 5 years old, I lived in a world of pretend. The consequences? My fears and problems grew bigger and bigger and I grew sicker and sicker.

Answer: So they won't fall down.

I was in denial of many facts that led me into a world of confusion, despair, mental and emotional pain.
that I had quit my job because I couldn't work and drink too (I called it a nervous breakdown)
that the relationship with my husband was in serious trouble
that I wasn't able to properly care for my children
that I wasn't able to care for myself
that I was losing so much weight I looked like a stick
that I had health problems due to drinking
that I was an alcoholic
etc., etc.

Finally, I came to the jumping off point and made my first and most important admission. I named my fear, I named it alcoholism. I faced the truth that I was completely powerless over alcohol. Until I admitted complete defeat, I was helpless and unable to receive help from anywhere - from you, from God, from anyone.

Today, I am willing to face and name my fears as best as I can. It is the only way I can deal with my anxieties. When I name a fear, face it, ask for help, and listen for solutions, the fears are reduced to a manageable size. Today, I know I cannot do
this alone. I need the help of others.

Thank God for AA and the program that has allowed me to face life on life's terms rather than running, hiding, and remaining in that deadening state of denial - in ignorance, doomed.

I have hope today. The truth has set me free.


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

shedding some light on areas we dare not look takes a great deal of courage, but the truth is always much less frightening than the bogeymen we create in our heads as justifications for keeping pandoras box firmly closed

nice to meet you! and nice to see you blogging. i hope you enjoy it. there is a nice community of alcoholics out there i have to say..

Lou said...

Naming our fears cuts them down to manageable size. So true!

J-Online said...

This brought tears to my eyes. You summed this up so beautifully. This is how I feel, but couldn't find the words for it. Thank you prayer girl. Many Blessings to you!

Shadow said... with any fear, you have to face it to overcome it. i used to say: ignore a problem long enough and it'll go away. sad, sad, sad. fortunately no more...

indistinct said...

Wonderful entry. I could identify with so much. The years spent running away so I would have feelings, period. The painfulness of letting myself experience my own feelings. Coming to terms with just who I am, how fearful I was. Learning to live with fear, not having expectations that my life would become fearless if I work the program hard enough. The freedom that comes from sharing. Learning to have faith, to trust in my Higher Power, realize that I'm no longer driving.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Funny how the longer we are sober, the more we realize what our real fears are. I love it when I have a ah,hah moment when I am listening to someone tell their story. The work is never done. Thanks prayer girl!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing've perfectly described how my insides feel right now. I needed this reminder today.