Wednesday, October 1, 2008-THE GREATEST OF ALL LOVES

THE GREATEST OF ALL LOVES

"To fall in love with God is the greatest of all loves;
to seek him is the greatest adventure;
to find him the greatest human achievement."

St. Augustine

These words are found painted in dark green lettering around the perimeter of the narthex of our church high up on the light green walls near the ceiling. They are visible as one enters the church and "looks up".

The words and the thoughts they generate are captivating.

They call strongly to my heart. They speak to me of the miracle of my life - my journey. My journey took me to the depths of despair in alcoholism, then brought me to Alcoholics Anonymous and my greatest adventure.

In Alcoholics Anonymous I began the venture through the twelve steps leading ultimately to the 12th step. THERE, I had a spiritual awakening as THE RESULT of these steps, fell in love with God, and discovered His deep love for me.

This spiritual connection with my God is the greatest achievement of my life. It has made possible opportunities I would never have dreamed possible - chances to reach out to other dying alcoholics, possibilities to use the principles of the program in my work, at church, in all my activities. I always felt like a misfit, but now I feel I belong. I have found my purpose for living. I have discovered that the more I give, the more I receive back many times over. Satisfaction and fulfillment are mine. Blessings abound even in the midst of the ups and downs of life.

As I have often heard,
"God brought me to Alcoholics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous brought me to God."

Tuesday, September 30, 2008-ACCEPTANCE

ACCEPTANCE

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place,thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely, nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
From "Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict" p. 449 in the 3rd edition of the BB and titled "Acceptance was the Answer" p. 417 in the 4th edition of the BB.

Beautiful words, beautiful thoughts. There is such truth and therefore power in these words. Until I accepted, not just in my head, but in my heart, that I was an alcoholic, I was unable to surrender and find any sobriety. Until I accepted the people in my life just as they were, I could not find any real peace or serenity. My life and my relationships remained in turmoil.

For me, it was a relief when I finally got my focus off how I was going to change you and got the focus on how I could change me. Why? Because no matter how I tried, I was totally unable to force or even gently encourage anyone or anything to change. No one wanted any part of it. I wanted to change my husband. I wanted to change my children. I DID NOT want to change myself.

It seems strange that I so desperately wanted to change you, but not me. Well, I now know that the reason was that I did not want to look at myself; at my fears, inadequacies, and character defects. I wanted to stay in my self-created world of denial - clinging to the belief that I was a sweet, wonderful girl and not an unfit drunk. So, it was easier to look at you. I knew exactly what your defects were. However, it did me no good to look at you. Nothing changed and life and relationships continued to go "down hill" until I became willing to focus on the only person I could change - ME!

Today - I accept myself as I am - the good, the bad, the wonderful, and the ugly. I now try to go about the business of capitalizing on my assets, identifying my defects, and humbly asking God to grow the positive qualities and remove the negative ones.

IT WORKS!
SLOWLY - YES!
BUT IT DOES WORK!

Monday, September 29, 2008-CALLING ALL "PRAY-ERS"

CALLING ALL "PRAY-ERS"

Monday morning I will be reporting to the Chaplain of our local community hospital. I have met with him once and am proceeding with the next steps into a new career as a volunteer pastoral care assistant. I will be "in training" with him and with a mentor before being out on my own with patients.

When I took my third step, I turned "ALL" over to the care of God and have done my best to leave it there for 23 years. This is where He has led me today.

Please pray that I may have success in bringing the love of the God I have come to know to the vulnerable people in crises I will meet.

Thanks for the prayers from all you "PRAY-ERS".

Prayer Girl

Sunday, September 28, 2008-THE BEAUTY OF ART AND SCIENCE

THE BEAUTY OF ART AND SCIENCE

“The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious ... the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science."
- Albert Einstein

In the short time I've been blogging, I have come to understand that there are a lot of very artistic people in this community. There are photographic artists, wordsmiths all over the place, design artists (some of the blog sites are just incredibly artistic), and bloggers with the souls of artists......all beautiful spiritual expressions.

I love beauty, mystery, art,
and the haunting complexity of science.

Saturday, September 27, 2008-MORE

MORE

I will me a child again
Back before the words "You can't"
Can't fly, can't dreams create, can't magic make
Whoever told me so?
Another parroting the same said words
The first to spill these words? A sage?
There never was one master great who said, "You can't"

I cannot "see" or touch the atom of a rose
Yet it's there in sweetness and velvet touch
I cannot "see" the giant moon string pull on the sea
Yet tides I watch crash in and out
I cannot "see" the distance cross the universe
Yet the stars do stretch to no clear wall
There is more than eyes and ears and nose and hands can know

I cannot "see" my feet lift off hard earth
Yet I feel me fly and soar straight out
I cannot "see" the passage out through space
Yet I sense and know the course to take
To farthest stars of brilliance bright
My mind feels me there where I wish to go
My mind is master of imagining

Only rigid chains of thought
Bind your feet to soil and rock
Only iron-solid suit of reason
Locks your mind to this small globe
Prayer Girl

Friday, September 26, 2008-LIVING THE PARADOX

LIVING THE PARADOX

par·a·dox
1. A seemingly contradictory statement that may nonetheless be true.
2. One exhibiting inexplicable or contradictory aspects.
3. An assertion that is essentially self-contradictory, though based on a valid deduction from acceptable premises.

I love the paradoxes I have found in the Alcoholics Anonymous program. I find mystery in paradox and mystery is beautiful. There is mystery everywhere: in the power of God that releases alcoholics from the bondage of alcohol, in the total understanding one alcoholic can impart to another suffering alcoholic (even a total stranger), and in the "coincidences" (God things) that occur at just the perfect moments to guide and lead us. In AA, these things happen all the time. What an incredible way to live.

The very first paradox was the overwhelming victory over alcohol I experienced as a result of admission of total defeat by alcohol. I was 100% convicted of alcoholism with a punishment of loss of everything dear in life, possible early death, and no possibility of parole. Nothing prepared me for the idea that anything good could come out of such a total failure. Yet, when I finally "gave up" and admitted my inability to stay sober, God intervened on my behalf and did for me what I was unable to do for myself. I stayed sober from that moment on. Triumph over alcohol was possible when I stepped aside and let God in.

I believed the very worst thing had happened to me - I had become an alcoholic. I found that totally unacceptable. I felt this was an unforgivable weakness. I had no strength to battle alcohol. I had nothing, I was nothing. Yet another paradox emerged. Working the AA program: working and living the 12 steps, growing relationships with other recovering people, going to meetings, all led to the emergence of a great inner strength I had never possessed. I found that my greatest weakness produced an unbelievable strength. I have no need to drink today, alcohol holds no power over me, I can deal with situations that in the past I would have run from, and I can effectively share my experience, "strength", and hope with others.

Another paradox that remains a mystery to me, but I'm convinced of, is that I have to give away the gifts I have received in the AA program in order to keep them. I certainly thought that if I had something, gave it away, then I would no longer possess it. RIGHT? Seems perfectly logical! But, no, this spiritual program works in a spiritual way. What God has given me, when I give it away, I not only keep it, but it is actually multiplied. What a marvel.

I love paradox. I love mystery. I love AA.
Prayer Girl

Thursday, September 25, 2008-WALKING THE FINE LINE

WALKING THE FINE LINE

The longer I'm in AA, the narrower the road gets.
The narrower the road gets, the freer I become.

Fine line - - - Over the years in AA, I have come to understand that I am responsible. I am responsible for my thoughts, my feelings, and my responses. I have learned how to better deal with negative, crazy, unhealthy thinking when it occurs. (I may not be responsible for the first thought that pops into my mind, but I am responsible for the next thought I have.) Going to AA meetings, talking with my sponsor and other recovering people helps keep my mind straight.

My feelings are usually a product of how I'm thinking so when my feelings are depressed, negative, or morbid, I know I have to unearth my thinking behind these feelings and I do this by talking them out with my sponsor or another alcoholic.

I have to make choices of responses many times every day. The line I walk in choosing responses is a fine one that requires careful attention to my thoughts and feelings.

Another fine line I walk is the one I traverse as I set boundaries with others. The first thing I must do is "know myself" before I can begin to set a boundary. I have to know - "How important is it?" What are my true needs and wishes? It is a fine line for me between being flexible and being a door mat. I realize whenever I set a boundary I am risking the loss of a relationship with the other person. Self-worth, self-esteem are at stake when setting boundaries. Quite a fine line.

A fine line also exists between erasing the self-centered and selfish alcoholic nature - the natural state of the alcoholic - and the need to work a "selfish" program. I learned long ago that I must jealously guard my sobriety, my AA program. No one will do this for me and my life depends on it. I do this at the same time as I try to put the other person first after spending a lifetime of everything being all about me. This is the finest line of all in my opinion. The better I walk this line, the healthier I and my relationships with others become.

I ask God to help me walk these fine lines of my life.