Monday 2/8/10 - "TODAY"

"TODAY"

Today was filled with Al-Anon program activity. I met with an Al-Anon sponsee first thing this morning to discuss problems she is having with step 9. She is finding it difficult, in fact impossible, at this point to forgive herself, make amends to herself. We talked quite a while and I gave her several suggestions. The first - she will pray for the willingness to be willing to forgive herself. The second - she will pray for herself the same way she would pray for someone she has a resentment towards. From experience she and I both know that if we resent someone and pray daily for them for as long as it takes, the resentment will pass. We pray that the person will have all the blessings we would like to see in our own lives. Sometimes this is difficult or we aren't "feelin' it", but we pray nonetheless. It works.

After my meeting with my sponsee, we attended my home group Al-Anon meeting. The topic of the meeting perfectly dovetailed with our one-on-one meeting. It came from "Hope for Today", February 7th, p. 38. Two excerpts stood out for me. They were:

"My constant comparing and competing gradually edged most people out of my life. Ultimately I was not even good enough for myself, an attitude that led me to harsh self-abuse."

".... beneath my extreme competitiveness lurks the true nature of the problem - pride and fear along with a sense of inadequacy. "

I could identify. I have had to deal with my own self-critical, censoring, and judgmental nature as well as that feeling that I'm just not good enough. All of these have improved in a big way over the 24+ years in Alcoholics Anonymous and 5 1/2 years I have worked the Al-Anon program. Thank you God.

After the meeting, I had time to run home, let puppy out of his cage, put him outside and even play a little. We played throw the big bone, a partial bone, and a ball all at the same time. That way I was able to actually get one of them out of his mouth and throw it again. LOL

Then it was off to meet with another Al-Anon sponsee to do the 6th step. We met for an hour and a half and it was satisfying for both of us. It doesn't get much better than this. Life is good. God is good. It is wonderful to watch someone change and begin to feel a measure of peace and serenity in their life.

From there it was off to the grocery store for some Super Bowl goodies for hubby and me. I was keeping it simple for Enchanted Oak today so I just picked up some cheeses, crackers, shrimp, and strawberries. When I got home I was here to stay. Hurray!

I made the cocktail sauce for our shrimp using plenty of horseradish and a real lemon in the ketchup. After this prep I took a few minutes to light my candles, say prayers for special people, and then blow them out sending those prayers to God.

I just watched the Saints come out from halftime, kick an 'on-side kick' and proceed to barrel down the field for a touchdown. I remember the day when you couldn't have paid me to watch football. People can change. LOL

Tomorrow is my hospital volunteer day so I am preparing mentally and spiritually for the time I will visit patients.

God bless all of you.

Prayer Girl
(Photo credit: simple butterfly shot by sergiemag@deviantart.com)

Sunday 1/10/10 - "BLANK PAGES"

"BLANK PAGES"

"This year is a book of clean blank pages on which I will write a record of my experiences and my growth through the daily use of the Al-Anon idea. I turned to Al-Anon as a last resort because I was living with a problem that was too much for me. I know I can deal with this problem through applying Al-Anon to myself, to my thoughts and my actions, every day."
(From "One Day at a Time in Al-Anon", January 1, p. l)

I am so grateful that I can choose to begin this year with fresh, clean, blank pages. My life is a series of choices. I choose what thoughts will dominate my thinking. How I react to what others say and do is my choice as well. I choose how I wish to use the time I am given in a day. My attitudes are often formed by the thoughts I have chosen to focus on, be they negative or positive.

There was a time when I was unaware that the freedom to choose was mine. I felt a martyr and victim to life. I was often helpless and ineffectual. I had few coping skills. The result? I felt victimized and wondered why everything seemed to be stacked against me. I felt powerless, hopeless, and depressed.

Alcohol provided the solution to all this negativity. It made reality disappear. It provided a false feeling that nothing could hurt me and it made the pain go away. I was able to stop caring. This solution worked for only a short period of time. Within three years I was hopelessly controlled by alcohol. I was unable to choose whether I would drink or not. I drank daily. My ability to function deteriorated. I was approaching complete disaster.

Then I found sobriety through the grace of God. I was led to Alcoholics Anonymous where I found people who understood me. I asked a woman to be my sponsor. I worked the 12 steps of AA. I was released from the obsession and compulsion to drink. I learned how to not drink one day at a time.

When I was 19 years sober, God graced my life again by leading me to the Al-Anon program. What a wonderful gift. I wish I had found Al-Anon when I was 20 years old. But I am forever grateful I found it at all.

Today, with the AA and Al-Anon programs I know that I am powerless over alcohol and over people, places, and things. However, I also know that I am not powerless over my reactions. I have the choice to use the tools, slogans, steps of both programs.

Anytime I find myself in fear, worry, depression or anxiety, I can pick up a tool like the telephone to call another program member or go to a meeting. I can pray and have faith and trust that the Higher Power I am calling on will help me. These are choices that lead to positive outcomes. I have many personal experiences that show me God does hear and answers prayer.

Thank God I am able to turn to a blank page in my mind and start over anytime I need or want to. I can start over each day or even each moment if necessary. I am starting fresh right this moment. I am filling my mind with hope for a wonderful tomorrow for myself, those I love, and my blogging friends.

Prayer Girl

"Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." - Plato

Sunday 12/27/09 - "SERENITY IS..."

"SERENITY IS..."

"Serenity is...
... a way of life absorbed slowly and practiced one day at a time...perspective...becoming aware of and accepting my many characteristics and not judging what's "bad" or "good" but what's useful to keep and what to release...a spiritual journey without a destination...the space between the impulse and the action...accepting what is...honoring my feelings without aiming them at someone else or letting them run my life..a gift I choose to give myself..."
(From "Hope for Today" December 25, p. 360, Al-Anon Family Groups)

What a perfect reflection for December 25th and for every other day.

What about the space between my impulse and action? Over the years that space has changed. I used to have emotions that erupted with such force and my impulse to action was so strong that I would find myself acting in ways that I would later regret.

My most intense emotions were feelings of being unloved, unlovable, rejected, abandoned, despair, and sadness. In response I would either feel burning hate or more often I turned that anger inward and experienced self-hatred, and suicidal thoughts. The space between the impulse to run from these feelings was almost instantaneous and I sought immediate relief. The quicker I could escape the better.

When I first found alcohol as my solution, I thought I was in heaven. I had been searching for 35 years for something that would work. Nothing did. Alcohol did. The space between my impulse and taking a drink was so short it could not be measured. This was good. It brought that instant relief I had been looking for. However, this solution failed me quickly and within a few years did not work at all and caused even more devastating feelings.

Then I found Alcoholics Anonymous and later Al-Anon. I worked the twelve steps in each program. In AA I found a power greater than myself that served not only to fill the space between that impulse and the action of drinking alcohol, but allowed me to not take that first drink and gave me the power to live life on life terms and find happiness.

Al-Anon gave me additional tools like the three As: awareness, acceptance, and action. They allow me to be aware that a negative impulse is trying to take hold of me, gives me the willingness to accept that impulse so I can look at it, and allows me the grace to reflect on what action I wish to take. I can think long enough to choose an appropriate, healthy, and loving response that does not hurt me or others.

This widening of the space between impulse and action allows me to experience serenity. Serenity and peace of mind are gifts of the program from my Higher Power that I value above most things. I thank God for them.

Prayer Girl

Thursday 12/17/09 - "I AM RESPONSIBLE"

"I AM RESPONSIBLE"

Having found Alcoholics Anonymous and then Al-Anon and having worked the 12 steps, I found myself on the road of sobriety health, and a deepening relationship with God. I am responsible for remaining on this road.

There are times when I grow weary of always working on myself, but I must remain diligent in working my programs. I continue to take personal inventory. I go to meetings regularly. I work with others.

I can see clearly the defects of others, but I know today that I cannot change them. I have learned that the only person I can change is me. I have to keep the focus on myself. This is not always easy.

When I come to these places of weariness, I need to remember that I am who I am. I used to want to be anyone other than me, but this is magical thinking. I can only be me. I am an alcoholic and I am a person who has been affected by the alcoholism of others. I have always had a 'magic, magnifying mind' and my mind sometimes races around in circles at high speeds. Why? Just because it is the mind I have. I accept it.

I am grateful today that I found AA and Al-Anon and a comfortable way to live with myself as I am. I have tools and principles to live by that give me a life that is not only comfortable, but meaningful. I have found happiness.

I used to want someone else to be responsible for my life. I wanted someone to fix me, to make me feel better. This is not possible. Today, I am thankful that I am willing to be responsible and that hand in hand with God I can change and find peace and serenity.

God bless you bloggers,
Prayer Girl

Monday 12/14/09 - "GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND MINDS"

"GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND MINDS"

"The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds..."
(Philippians 4:5-7)

Sometimes I don't do such a great job of guarding my own heart and mind. There are times when my thoughts turn to the negative or anxiety creeps in. There can be anxieties about relationships, health, or perhaps financial concerns. It makes me sick. Anxiety robs me of my peace of mind, serenity, and stands in the way of my usefulness to God.

Having taken all the steps and being at step 12, my purpose is to carry the message of the 12 steps to other alcoholics, to others in general, and to practice what I have learned in Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. I can't do this effectively when I am in the grips of fear and worry.

God is my answer. I can take my concerns to God in prayer. I can take my gratitude to God in thanksgiving. I can ask God to guard my heart and mind.

I will pray tonight and again tomorrow morning that I may be an instrument of God's peace when I visit patients in the hospital.

Love to all my blogger friends,
Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: By Katiebar15)

Sunday 12/6/09 - CHOOSING HAPPY MEMORIES"

"CHOOSING HAPPY MEMORIES"

Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon broke my denial and I faced all the painful truths about myself - my fears, the lies I told myself and others, the flaws in my thinking and behavior. The 1st, 2nd, and 3rd steps prepared me to do this and the 4th and 5th allowed me to become free. The 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th provided the action needed to clean up the wreckage of my life. Steps 10, 11, and 12 help me stay free.

So - - - today I am not trapped in that negative past and can choose to recall happy memories rather than dwelling in negative ones.

I remember and cherish loving, happy Christmases and beautiful trees of a past time. I don't regret any that may not have been as sweet. This is an example of the promises at work. "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." (Promises, Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)

I can open a door of joyful memory if I choose. I remember my childhood. I have uncovered many hurts of my childhood, but there are many beautiful memories too. I remember my father swimming out into the ocean at Martha's Vineyard to save my whale shaped inflatable floaty. I was so young that in my little baby eyes, he was swimming to China just for me, to save something that was mine. In that moment, he was "my hero". I have never forgotten it.

I remember the first home we bought. My son was a very young. I had a bicycle with a baby seat affixed to the back. We bicycled up and down the hills in our residential neighborhood, son perched safely behind me. For some reason, that is a memory that makes me feel so good.

I remember my daughter maybe 15 years later, age 5, singing into a pole shaped sprinkler in our backyard, putting on a concert for me. She sang her heart out and that sprinkler was the perfect microphone.

I reserve the right to continue this blog at another time to include other happy memories. I am running out of time now.

God bless all my blogger friends.

Prayer Girl

Tuesday 9/22/09 - "HOLD ME, QUIET ME"

"HOLD ME, QUIET ME"

My mind does not want to be tamed enough to write a blog tonight, but I do want to post. I'll just jot down some thoughts I'm having.

Today I received the following in an email from the Chaplain of our hospital where I volunteer as a pastoral care assistant:

Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.

I take the third step and turn my life over to God every morning and ask for God's guidance, support, and comfort. I ask God to silence my mouth if I am in any doubt as to what would be best to say. God helps me remain quiet through guidance I have received in Al-Anon. I can delay what comes out of my mouth by choosing to "wait a week and a day" before responding. I can also wait to speak until I know what I want to say, I will mean what I say, and I'll say it without being mean.

I am filled with happiness that I had the opportunity to use the healing touch to relieve pain in the legs and hips of a patient in the hospital. When I entered his room, he was grimacing, visibly in pain, and trying to get into a less painful position in the hospital bed. I sat, we talked, and then I asked if I might lay my hands on the blanket that covered his legs and the moment I placed my hands on the covers, he said he felt heat. His legs were feeling better by the time I left.

Another lady with many health problems had been admitted for a lacerated hand. Because of her other conditions, they wanted to observe her for a day. I asked if I could gently hold her bandaged hand, she agreed, and she too felt the warmth of the healing touch. I say, "Thank you God".

Daughter is coming tomorrow. Pray for all of us. Pray for God's will in all things.

There have been recent successes in the lives of some of my sponsees. I am watching the hearts and spiritual eyes of some of them opening just like flowers to the sun. The truth is setting them free as we work the 12 steps together. This is watching a miracle happen.

I pray for that peace that passes all understanding - that God will place it in your minds, bodies, and spirits.

Prayer Girl

Wednesday 9/16/09 - "REACTIONS"

"REACTIONS"

"I will try to overcome my tendency to react to what people say or do. I can't know why they do it, because I cannot understand their inner unhappiness and compulsions, any more than they can understand mine. When I react, I put the control of my peace of mind in the hands of others. My serenity is under my control, and I will not relinquish it for trivial occurrences."

"I pray for the tolerance and the wisdom to
avoid reacting to what other people say and do."
(From "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" , Sept. 15, p. 259)

Oh how I love the Al-Anon program. It is teaching me such wonderful living skills. My life used to be characterized too often by volatile emotional reactions to what others around me said or did. These reactions did not always serve me well and caused more problems than they resolved.

I was raised in what is now termed a dysfunctional family. My brother was an out-of-control alcoholic from an early age and I discovered the effect that had on me 45 years later. This was followed by marrying a functioning alcoholic who drank for the 20 years I was married to him.

I had no idea how crazy that made me until I found recovery, first in Alcoholics Anonymous 24 years ago and then in Al-Anon 5 years ago. The 12 steps allowed me to become aware of myself and to understand how others affected me and my reactions to them. I discovered that I frequently put my peace of mind and serenity in the hands of sick people and I was sick myself.

Today, I don't have to act crazy as the result of someone else's compulsive behaviors, problems, or imbalances. As the quote from the ODAT says, I can choose my reactions - the when, the where, and the how of them, and even if I will react.

Some of the ways I keep the serenity I have found and cherish are:

I THINK before I react - before I speak, make a sudden decision, or jump with my mind into the future.

I heard the following from a woman who chairs a weekly beginner's meeting. She says when someone says or does something that causes excessive emotion, before I take any action, I should GIVE IT A WEEK AND A DAY.

Writing in a journal, writing letters that are never mailed, are all wonderful ways to prevent overreaction.

Allow TIME to pass between a sudden, strong feeling and a decision about whether to take action and if action is to be taken, what type.

Remembering that God exists and is in charge helps put a current situation in perspective.

Peace and serenity to you and yours,

Prayer Girl

Sunday 9/13/09 - "OUR OUTLOOK UPON LIFE WILL CHANGE"

"OUR WHOLE ATTITUDE AND OUTLOOK
UPON LIFE WILL CHANGE"

("Alcoholics Anonymous", p. 84 - 8th 9th step promise)

The world used to seem a punishing place. Abuse and unkindness that came my way seemed deserved. I did not see that this was my vision of life until I discovered the truth working the 12 steps in Alcoholics Anonymous. In that process I discovered the roles I had been playing in my life - the victim, the person responsible for things that went wrong, and the one whose job it was to fix things and put them right. These beliefs colored my attitude towards life.

Life was represented in my mind like a glass half empty. I spent many years in depression that colored my world gray. When the world is gray, the glass is half empty. Recovery has brought truth and light into my life turning the world a million, brilliant, bright and beautiful colors. The vibrancy of this world shifts my vision of the glass to half full.

When I woke from my last drunk, a spiritual experience met me. At that moment, a new hope was born, a hope that I could stay sober and life could be worth living. This hope slowly brought forth a whole new attitude. Hope bred gratitude and love. As the years have passed, my gratitude has grown. As I have been allowed to pass on what I have learned in recovery, love has grown.

The world is such a different place today. Everything has changed because I have changed. When difficulties arise and bad things happen, my attitude and outlook upon them is different. They have changed as a result of working steps 1 through 12 and as THE RESULT of the 12th step, I have had a spiritual awakening. This spiritual awakening sustained and strengthened by prayer and meditation developed in step 11, allows a new approach to problems. I remind myself that I took step 3 and turned my will and my life over to the care of God and then I pray. These actions have the power to change my attitude in an instant.

This new outlook and attitude upon life is a miracle to me. My attitude about being an alcoholic was most negative when I initially took step 1 and admitted my powerlessness over alcohol. Today, that attitude has completely changed and I know that becoming an alcoholic is the best thing that ever happened to me. It allowed me to have this wonderful life that I live today.

Prayer Girl

Wednesday 9/9/09 "SHORT VISIT ON EARTH"

"SHORT VISIT ON EARTH"

"Strange is our situation here upon earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to a divine purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: That we are here for the sake of others...for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy. Many times a day, I realize how much my outer and inner life is built upon the labors of people, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received."
- Albert Einstein

Dear Mr. Albert Einstein understood so much. His mathematics and his mind seems to have touched the infinite. I think most alcoholics will readily feel an affinity to these words of his.

The longer I am sober, the more precious life becomes. The more I learn to live one day at a time - in the now - the more cherished each moment is. And the more this happens, the more I realize the brevity of life.

I spent many years wondering what in the heck I was doing here and what was the point of my existence. The only constant I ever had was my belief in God. Even when I turned away from God, He remained deep in my soul.

I became an alcoholic which brought me to Alcoholics Anonymous. It was there that I was brought back to a right relationship with God and discovered my purpose.

Mr. Einstein says well in his own words what I now believe. I have learned that I am here to carry the message of freedom from alcohol to other alcoholics. And I am here to carry the principles of the Alcoholics Anonymous program to others God puts in my life. I have learned how to do this from those who showed me the way.

I am bound by a common bond with other alcoholics and those affected by alcoholism. I am bound to those who passed on the life-saving 12 steps, the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous", and the traditions of AA.

Thank God I no longer feel useless or purposeless. I have found my purpose.

Prayer Girl

Tuesday 9/8/09 - "RUNNING, RUNNING, RUNNING"

"RUNNING, RUNNING, RUNNING"

Fear used to be my first, middle, and last name.
Paranoia competed with fear as my first, middle, and last name.

"Running" used to be my modus operandi.

Much has changed. My life has changed.
Fear no longer rules my life.
Paranoia is mostly a thing of the past.

AND - I no longer have to run.

Why did I run? How did I run? Where did I run? How far did I get?

I was - "Driven by a hundred forms of fear..."
(Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 62)

AND my life was characterized by a hundred forms of running.

As a young child and a young person I ran from my feelings. I ran as a way of escaping emotions I did not understand and could not deal with. One method of running was by inflicting pain on myself. The pain covered the emotional turmoil. I dug my fingernails into my wrists and into my arms till there were marks. I would then wear long sleeves to cover those marks. It wasn't until 40 years later that I found out that today this is called "cutting". The only difference - I used my own fingernails - not razors or knives.

When I was older I ran into relationships. I was always an extremely intense person and I would "get lost" in the high emotion of "love". I had no idea this was a form of running till right now as I write this blog.

I sometimes ran into things that weren't necessarily unhealthy. I ran into reading books, watching movies, watching T.V., even academics, but these efforts did not help me cope with life. When taken to extremes, they helped me escape life.

All my running led me absolutely nowhere. I remained confused, depressed, having suicidal thoughts, and unable to cope with life. When all my attempts to run failed me, I finally found the perfect way to run - into alcohol. It was a fantastic solution for a brief period of time. It failed me within three years. By that time my alcoholism had taken me to the gates of Hell, the gates of death.

Then I found Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 steps. I worked those steps and God restored me to sanity. I was finally able to stop running. I have learned to live life on life's terms - right in the here and now.

That desire to run still grabs me from time to time, but today I have different, healthy solutions. I can drop to my knees in prayer and look to God for help. God answers. I can call my sponsor, get to a meeting, speak with others in recovery. I can write about what may be bothering me. I can blog. I have received many tools in recovery and they really work.

I no longer have to run. Life is good. Thank you God.

Prayer Girl

Wednesday 9/2/09 - "INTEREST IN OUR FELLOWS"

Gaining interest in others,
extending a helping hand!

"INTEREST IN OUR FELLOWS"

"WE WILL LOSE INTEREST IN SELFISH THINGS
AND GAIN INTEREST IN OUR FELLOWS"

("Alcoholics Anonymous", p. 84 - 6th 9th step promise)

Before sobriety, everything was 'ALL ABOUT ME'. What you thought, what you chose to do, how you behaved, all was filtered through my own mind's view of life. Was it fair? Was it right? ..... AS IT APPLIED TO ME!!! I was totally unaware this was happening - all that self-centeredness!

I also didn't understand that I couldn't make anyone tow the line, follow my script, share my vision of things. The more I tried, the more frustrated I became. My answer to this frustration was alcohol. It allowed me to "not care" what was going on. In the end, that was my undoing and then eventually my redoing.

When I found sobriety and worked the 12 steps, it was a relief to be able to give up all this need to control things. I couldn't control alcohol and its affect on me and I couldn't control other people. When I surrendered, I found freedom from alcohol and then I found peace and serenity.

As the steps changed me, I found myself more interested in others. Step 12 brought me to a real desire to help carry the message of a spiritual awakening to other alcoholics, and to practice the 12 steps in all that I do. 'Getting out of myself' is important to recovery and what better way than to be interested in my fellows.

"Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity
from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics."

(Alcoholics Anonymous", p. 89)

I found this quote by Einstein and it made me think how well he seemed to understand the alcoholic mind. He said,

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking
we used when we created them." - Albert Einstein

NOTE

I will be leaving tomorrow morning to visit my children in the Tampa area. I'll be back Friday. I'm taking my computer with me, but I'm not sure I'll have an opportunity to blog. If not, I will be back Friday with a 55.

Love and prayers to all of you,
Prayer Girl

Monday 8/31/09 - "USELESSNESS, SELF-PITY DISAPPEAR"

"THAT FEELING OF USELESSNESS
AND SELF-PITY WILL DISAPPEAR"

("Alcoholics Anonymous", p. 84 - 5th 9th step promise)

I hate to admit it, but I felt sorry for myself a large part of my life - that is until I found Alcoholics Anonymous. I was not aware of this fact, but my trip through the 12 steps revealed it to me. I played the victim, the martyr, the "oh poor me" role. I was filled with self-pity. Not a pretty sight when I was finally able to see it. But being aware is the first step in change. Then I accepted this was true and took action to change it by continuing to work the steps.

My self-esteem was in the very negative range by the time I found sobriety. I felt useless, of no value to myself or anyone else. The 4th and 5th steps uncovered these horrible feelings about myself. Thank God the rest of the steps were there for it was by taking all 12 steps that I was able to turn things around, asking God to remove my shortcomings, making amends, and establishing continuous contact with God.

Today, the only time I feel useless or harbor self-pity is when I find myself in "stinking thinking". It is my thoughts that take me to those places. I try never to stay there for long anymore. I have learned I have a choice. I can choose to pray, reach out to help another alcoholic, get to a meeting, call my sponsor, call another recovering person. These are ways I can adjust my attitude.

God uses me as I work the 12th step. When I keep gratitude in my heart, I cannot be in self-pity. I have been given much and for that I am grateful.

Love and prayers,
Prayer Girl

Wednesday 8/26/09 - "HAPPINESS ALIGHTS"

"HAPPINESS ALIGHTS"

"Happiness is as a butterfly which,
when pursued, is always beyond our grasp,
but which if you will sit down quietly,
may alight upon you."
Nathaniel Hawthorne

This describes the way God speaks to me, influences my life at times. I must always be taking positive and constructive actions, but I also need to remember that no matter how hard I pursue something I need also sit quietly until, if it is God's will, what I pursue comes to me.
("God could and would if He were sought" - NOT 'caught'.)

I took the action of the 12 steps - "THE" result being I had a "SPIRITUAL AWAKENING", but that awakening, that connection with God was God's action. I do the work, God produces the results.

"In silence He listens to us; in silence He speaks to our souls. In silence we are granted the privilege of listening to His voice.
Silence of our eyes.
Silence of our ears.
Silence of our mouths.
...in the silence of the heart
God will speak."
---Mother Teresa, from "No Greater Love"

In the silence, the butterfly alights.

HAPPINESS ALIGHTS
Stunning blues and splashing yellows bright
Red flash and glint of black catching light

On gently blowing breezes kaleidoscope arrives
Flutters in, alights upon me, so brilliantly alive

In the hush of shaded day I sit in silence and in peace
Its endless darting here and there suddenly has ceased

Into my quiet self it slips - an overwhelming urge
To let this precious gift from God within my spirit merge
Prayer Girl

P.S. The inside commotion has passed. All is well.

Wednesday 7/15/09 - "IS YOUR UMBRELLA BIG ENOUGH?"

""We are people who normally would not mix."
(Big Gook of Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 2, p. 17)

A person's age, marital status, color, religion,
profession, socio-economic status, legal status
has never had anything to do with
their ability to help me.

"UNLIKELY FRIENDS"
________________________

"We stood at the turning point."
(Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 5, p. 59)

When I reached that turning point,
I took my head out of the sand,
oops - out from under my own wing,
ditched my denial and looked squarely at the truth....
I was an alcoholic.
I was powerless over alcohol.
I needed restoration to sanity.
I couldn't restore myself.
No human power could restore me.
I turned my life over to God.
He restored me to sanity!

"STEPS ONE, TWO, AND THREE"

_______________________________________

I remember my first "best friend"
in Alcoholics Anonymous.
She helped me file my income tax after I was divorced.
I had never completed an income tax return in my life.
She hand sewed my wedding gown as a
wedding gift when I married Mr. Steve.
She returned to drinking and died
as a direct result of her alcoholism.
In my heart she is still my friend -

"FRIENDS FOREVER"
______________________________

(This little guy has been caught without a big enough umbrella!)

"IS YOUR UMBRELLA BIG ENOUGH?"

MY UMBRELLA IS GOD and He Is Big Enough
to protect me in all circumstances.

Prayer Girl

Wednesday, 7/8/09 - "LOOKING INSIDE"

"LOOKING INSIDE"

"Who looks outside, dreams;
who looks inside, awakes."
- Carl Jung

Before I found Alcoholics Anonymous, much of my life was spent in a dream state full of wishing and hoping - wishing things were different than they were (I was perpetually discontented though I didn't realize it) and hoping things would be better (though I had no real idea what I wanted changed). Living in a dream is not conducive to being in touch with reality and being out of touch with reality is sometimes labeled insanity.

I was the heroine, the damsel in distress in all of my own dreams and I was always the victim searching for the perpetrators of my troubles. My focus was always outside myself, looking for the cause of my problems and unhappiness. If my mother and father were different, things would be better. If my boyfriends would stop leaving I would be happy, life would straighten out and I could live happily ever after. I know today that I did not know what needed to straighten out. I just knew things felt crooked.

Later, I married an alcoholic (though I didn't know it) so it was easy to look outside myself again to see the cause of all my unhappiness. It was always his fault. It never occurred to me to look inside myself, to see what I was thinking, feeling, or doing. Even after I began to see psychiatrists, counselors, and psychologists, I was unable to see inside.

By the time I was 39 and at the bottom of the pit of alcoholic despair, my dream existence had turned into a full scale nightmare from which I could not wake up. I lived in a world of insanity I couldn't escape.

Then the miracle of recovery through Alcoholics Anonymous happened. I found sobriety and the 12 steps. As I began to understand the AA program, take the steps, follow the suggestions and encouragement of a sponsor, and attend meetings, I began to look inside of rather than outside myself for the solution to my problems. I WOKE UP. I had been asleep for a very long time so it was difficult and took time. I came to realize that the solution to my problems was God and that it was only deep down inside of me that He could be found.

So - that is why I look inside. The more I focus on what needs to change in me and ask God to help me, the more awake I become. No more nightmares for me - just the pure exhilarating air and sunshine of a fully awake me.

Thank you AA, thank you God,
Prayer Girl

Saturday 6/27/09 - "THE GOOD FEELINGS"

Elation!

Peace and joy!

Tenderness!

"THE GOOD FEELINGS"

"The Good Feelings"
"Let yourself feel the good feelings too.
Yes, sometimes good feelings can be as distracting as the painful, more difficult ones. Yes, good feelings can be anxiety producing to those of us unaccustomed to them. But go ahead and feel the good feelings anyway.
Feel and accept the joy. The love. The warmth. The excitement. The pleasure.The satisfaction. The elation. The tenderness. The comfort.
Let yourself feel the victory, the delight.
Let yourself feel cared for.
Let yourself feel respected, important, and special.
These are only feelings, but they feel good. They are full of positive, upbeat energy - and we deserve to feel that when it comes our way.
We don't have to repress. We don't have to talk ourselves out of feeling good - not for a moment.
If we feel it, it's ours for the moment. Own it. If it's good, enjoy it.
Today, God, help me be open to the joy and good feelings available to me."

(From:"The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie,
June 21, pp. 171-172)

I did not arrive at the door of Alcoholics Anonymous with a bundle of positive feelings. In fact, I was Ms. Negativity - depression, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, listlessness, whipped, and beaten. It has been so many years since then that if I didn't go to meetings regularly and work with others I might not be able to remember how truly horrible I felt.

That was many years ago and I have spent all the intervening years working the 12 steps, living the 12 steps and the principles of the program, passing it on to others, and continuing to grow along spiritual lines.

Today I value myself and I value you - all of you - those who are still lost and hurting, those who have found recovery, and those who have never experienced these terrible lows of life - everyone. The God in me recognizes the God in you.

Today I believe we all deserve to feel love, joy, peace, serenity, and all the other feelings mentioned in the reading I chose. I am so grateful there is a program that will allow our lives to change and make it possible to feel the joy of living.

God bless you,
Prayer Girl

Monday 6/8/09 - THAT "AHA" MOMENT

THAT "AHA" MOMENT

I can't count or even remember now all the "AHA" moments I have had since getting sober, but they are many. I also know that almost everyone who has been sober for any length of time has experienced them. These moments of revelation have a way of bringing the goose bumps (also called "God bumps") up all over me.

My latest "AHA" moment came as a result of something I read coupled with some things I heard people say and my own experiences to date and all of a sudden - voila - I had a realization. This latest one was a sudden awareness that my spiritual and other gifts have been within me for a very long time, but I was unable to recognize them. They were buried under years of character defects - fear, envy, jealousy, lack of self-confidence to name only a few.

Through the grace of God I was brought to my knees by alcoholism and He brought me to Alcoholics Anonymous and later to Al-Anon. It is there that I discovered the truth about myself. I became able to see my shortcomings by working the 12 steps, sharing myself with trusted AA and Al-Anon friends, attending meetings, and the practice of prayer and meditation.

What I found beneath all that negativity and self loathing were the beautiful gifts God had given me from the beginning that I had lost. This discovery has not been a short trip, but a very long one arriving at that "AHA" moment.

As beautiful as my "AHA" moments are, even more wonderful is the joy of playing a part in such a moment of a sponsee or other loved one. Being in conversation with someone and suddenly seeing the awe and wonder in their eyes, watching their face light up as they experience their own moment when the "light bulb comes on" is priceless .

I had such a moment recently when I was meeting with a brand new person in Alcoholics Anonymous who was having difficulty identifying her powerlessness over alcohol. I was listening to everything she was telling me about recent events in her life. At the time we were reading from the Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous", in "The Doctor's Opinion", p. xxvi:

"They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery."

I pointed out something she had just said, this reading, and the consequences of her drinking and suddenly she "saw the light" and she understood what had been hidden from her understanding just a moment before. She could see how she was powerless when she took a drink.

This is God in action. It is humbling to be used by God to bring someone out of darkness and into light in such an "AHA" instant. Truly priceless!

It just doesn't get much better than that. Thank you God.

Prayer Girl

Tuesday, 5/26/09 - "ABUNDANCE"

"ABUNDANCE"

"Lose sight of all limitations. Abundance is God's Supply. Turn out all limited thoughts. Receive showers..."
(From "God Calling", A.J. Russell, May 24)

What are the predominant thoughts filling my mind today? Are they thoughts of lack, limitation, negativity OR thoughts of plenty, abundance, and positivity?

There is an 8a.m. meeting everyday at a club near my house and every day they read a piece about attitude. The final sentence is - life is 90% attitude and 10% what happens to you. I need to cultivate my attitude to produce plenty of positive thoughts.

When I arrived battered, broken, bent, and bowed down to my knees in surrender and defeat at the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous, my mind was filled with despair. Despite that, there was one small positive thought, that somehow all would be alright and there was a tiny spark of hope. I believe this positive thought was a gift from God.

My mind was involved in furious battle for many of my early years in recovery - a war of positive versus negative thinking and good versus bad labeling. Gradually through constant repetition and practice of the 12 steps and living the AA way of life, my thinking and attitudes shifted from primarily lack and limit to plenty and abundance.

If I find the following kinds of thoughts in my head, I know I need to take action quickly to change my thinking:

I can't ever overcome my past.
I don't have enough.
It will never happen.
I'm stupid.
I'm old.
I'll never change.
This situation will never change.
I am fearful.
It's hopeless.
Life is sad.
Life sucks.
etc.

When I have thoughts like the following in my mind, I believe I'm on the right path:

Anything and everything is possible.
Prayer changes things.
I am enough.
I am happy, joyous and free.
I can change.
The situation will change.
God will provide.
God is in charge.
Life is beautiful.
etc.

Today life is beautiful. I have many people in my life that I love and I feel loved by others. I even love myself. It doesn't get much better than this.

Prayer Girl

Saturday, 5/23/09 - "CREATING THE PATH TO YOUR FUTURE"

(Path to the future)

"CREATING THE PATH
TO YOUR FUTURE"

My post today is dedicated to all who are feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, unable to cope, feeling like they are near the end of the rope, wanting to give up, worthless, confused, powerless.

I have 'been there and done that'. I used to live there, it was my basic life position. Then......I found recovery. I have been in recovery for a lot of years and I no longer live in that negative place, but I can return there IF I don't continue to work on enriching the soil of my life. I can return to that arid, parched, and fruitless ground.

This morning I read some passages that reminded me of the work and the time that it took for me to change, to become happy, joyous, and free, and to develop a new outlook on life.

Some excerpts:
"Do not ask for love unless you're ready to be healed enough to give and receive love.

Do not ask for joy unless you're ready to feel and release your pain, so you can feel joy.

Do not ask for success unless you're ready to conquer the behaviors that would sabotage success.

All good things are ours for the asking. But first, groundwork - preparation work - must be done.

A gardener would not plant seeds unless the ground was adequately prepared to nurture and nourish those seeds. The planting would be wasted effort. It would be wasted effort for us to get what we wanted before we were ready.

Next we let go of the old "programming" - the behaviors and beliefs that interfere with nurturing and nourishing the good. Many of us have strong sabotaging programs, learned from childhood, that need to be released. We may need to "act as if" for a while until the belief that we deserve the good becomes real.

We combine this process with much letting go, while we are being changed at the core.

Good things are ours for the asking, if we are willing to participate in the work of groundbreaking. Work and wait.

Today, God, give me the courage to identify the good I want in my life and to ask for it. Give me also the faith and stamina I need to go through the work that must be accomplished first."

(From: "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie, "Times of Reprogramming" May 22, pp. 140 & 141.)

Hope - there is plenty of hope. I found mine in Alcoholics Anonymous and then when I was filled with it, I found an even greater measure in Al-Anon.

The PATH to my POSITIVE FUTURE is filled with the twelve steps, my fellow recovering friends, the meetings I attend, my sponsors, God, and PLENTY of PRAYER. Don't despair. Don't give up. Keep trudging the road to your happy destiny. It is there if you keep tilling the soil of your life. You will find it.

Peace and hope,
Prayer Girl