Saturday, 2/21/09 - LET GO AND LET GOD

"LET GO AND LET GOD"

I stumbled my way down many dead end avenues in my quest to escape the pain and confusion I lived with. I was in the depths of denial, the throes of alcoholism and understood nothing of my predicament, but the misery.

I was baptized a second time in a Baptist church in hopes that somehow it would make things better. (I had been baptized as a baby.) When there were altar calls to be prayed over, I would be up there on my knees.

My condition continued to worsen and eventually a nurse where I worked came into my office, shut the door and began to speak to me of alcoholism. She explained my shaking hands and other things about the disease. I immediately placed a wall of steel up between her words and my mind, but the seed was planted.

My general physician was ignorant about alcoholism, treated me with disdain, spoke in a demeaning manner, and made it clear I needed to use will power. This increased my guilt and shame. I had to convince him to prescribe antabuse. That was not the cure, of course, but did help me have some drink-free days near the final end of my drinking.

After an incident when I awoke from a blackout (I didn't know at that time there was such a thing as a blackout.) with a knife in my hand, I ended up at the local hospital after 911 had been called and was finally released with an appointment to meet with my minister for counseling. I met with this loving man for months as I continued drinking.

All these events were orchestrated perfectly by God. I finally ended up inside the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. That too was a temporary dead end for me UNTIL I totally surrendered.

I had many 'yea buts'.

• Yea but, I can't stay away from this slippery place because my whole family is going.
• Yea but, my husband this and my husband that.....
• Yea but, my children need this, that and the other thing.

THE RESULT? I kept relapsing, drinking again.

Thank God I came to the place where I LET GO of trying to stay sober on my own terms.

When I finally admitted complete defeat, that my interpretation of what I should and shouldn't and could and couldn't do to stay sober didn't work -

I LET GO
AND

I LET GOD

take over and be in charge of my recovery. He worked with me through my sponsor, members of Alcoholics Anonymous, my counselor, and many other people and situations.

This time I listened, followed directions, and have been sober since.

Today I know that the solution to all my problems lies in:

LETTING GO
AND
LETTING GOD

Prayer Girl

(Photo credit: Frosty Sun Rise by cambuck1)